


if you just let me through

by kyomohokus



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 08:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26969068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyomohokus/pseuds/kyomohokus
Summary: That new guy in town, Jesse Lewis, walks into the cafė—tall, charismatic, and sometimes downright annoying. Who does this guy think he is, charming Kochi with a smile that can rival the sun’s? There has to be a catch.There is always a catch, as far as Kochi’s life is concerned.
Relationships: Kouchi Yugo/Jesse Lewis, side Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 62
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hello.
> 
> I said I'm not gonna write a fic in between a WIP, but guess who broke her promise. 
> 
> Anyway Kouchesse/YugoJe needs more love, hence this fic. 
> 
> This fic will contain trigger warnings, but I won't add them until they actually appear in a chapter. Will also add the trigger warning at the beginning of relevant chapters. 
> 
> Happy reading!

The door opens with a loud jingle, and a gust of cold, winter air blows in. These are the sounds and sensations Kochi enjoys since he became a staff member (and eventually assistant manager) of The Green Cup. The jingling of the door chimes usually mean good things: that a customer is in.

He looks up at the customer, greeting him with his usual spiel of “Hello, welcome to The Green Cup! How may I help you?”

Standing in front of him is a tall man with red hair, round-framed sunglasses, a coat over a smart-looking black V-neck T-shirt, and black pants. He looks like he’s a model about to walk the runway of some fancy fashion show.

Needless to say, he must have been staring because the edge of the redhead’s lips tug up to a smirk.

“Sorry about that.” Kochi slightly bows, red in the face. “What can I get you?”

Said redhead looks up at the menu written in a horizontal blackboard propped on top of the bar. “What’s your recommendation?” he asks.

Kochi already knows the recommendations by heart. “Our best-selling drink is the iced cafe latte,” he says. “It’s best paired with our signature croissant.”

“Okay, I’ll get that combo, then.” The redhead reaches for his wallet inside his pants pocket.

“Got it.” Kochi punches the price on the cash register and accepts the man’s payment. “I’ll have to get your name to call you when your order’s ready. And that would be …?”

“Jesse.” The redhead removes his glasses and winks at Kochi. “How about I get yours in return?”

Kochi cringes because, for one, that was a really lame way for someone to flirt with him. And, for another, as much as he appreciates the handsomeness of the man before him, dating or flirting back with someone is the least of his priorities.

He’s about to say something subtler and more professional than “It’s none of your business” when he hears his manager, Aiba, call him from inside the staff room.

“Kochi! Can you come over here, please?”

Kochi mentally groans when he sees the red-haired man, Jesse, smile victoriously. “Looking forward to my order then … Kochi-san,” he says before sauntering to one of the seats by the window.

“Shin, can you cover for me, please? Aiba-san wants to see me,” Kochi calls over his shoulder before slipping inside the staff room.

Similar to The Green Room’s cafe interior, the staff room is full of warmth. The walls are covered in wood, but unlike, the barnhouse-style design in the cafe, the staff room retains the wood color, making Kochi feel like he had been transported to some forest.

Aiba is sitting at his desk, frowning at something in his laptop. “I swear,” he says, scratching his head, “these numbers are so confusing. Can you check them for me, please?”

Kochi grins, approaching Aiba until he’s facing the laptop, which has a spreadsheet open. “Sit back and relax, Aiba-san. I’ll take care of it.”

“Thank you.” Aiba breathes, standing up to let Kochi sit on his chair. “I swear, Becky-chan shouldn’t leave me with these numbers. She knows I became a PE teacher for this reason!”

Kochi chuckles before focusing on the spreadsheet and the numbers before him. “It’s nothing complicated, Aiba-san. Just …” A few flourish of the keys, and then he stands up. “All done.”

“I don’t know what would happen to me without you, Kochi.” Aiba pats Kochi on the shoulder.

“Becky-san would kill you?”

Aiba grimaces at the thought, then shudders. “Right.”

“Hey, Kochi-senpai!” Shintaro calls, leaning against the doorframe. “I gave that Jesse guy his order, and he said it was too bad because he was expecting you to bring it to him.”

“Oh my god.” Kochi feels the tips of his ears burning. “Can I  _ not _ have a customer flirt with me on the first week of the New Year?”

Aiba chuckles, wrapping an arm around Kochi’s shoulders as they subtly peek from the staff room. The customer named Jesse is hunched down his table, people-watching from outside the cafe.

He really looks like a model filming a commercial, goddamit.

“You know, Kochi-san,” Aiba comments with a whistle. “Maybe the New Year is telling you you’re gonna have someone new and special in your life.”

_ Yeah, right _ . Dating is the last thing in Kochi’s mind. Besides, the chances of him ending up with a tall, model-like guy like that Jesse customer?

Would be nice to believe it, though.

  
  


Then smell of  _ oden  _ welcomes Kochi as he enters the apartment he shares with Taiga and Hokuto. He sighs when he’s blanketed with warmth, a stark contrast to the cold outside. “Hokuto?” he calls out as he takes off his shoes and puts them in the shoe rack by the entryway.

“Welcome home!” Hokuto yells from the kitchen. “Pull up a chair. Taiga’s coming home in half an hour.”

Books and papers are strewn all over the living room table; Hokuto probably already had a headstart with his studying for a new semester of law school. He sets his bag on the couch and heads to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water.

“How was work?” Hokuto asks, stirring from the pot. He sounds like a housewife, and Kochi chuckles at the thought.

“The usual.” Kochi shrugs. He thinks of that Jesse customer, but he doesn’t think it qualifies for a story. “New customers, regulars, and Aiba-san trying not to botch accounting.”

Hokuto chuckles. He takes the nearby mits and grabs the sides of the pot, carefully making his way to the dining table. “Well, it’s the usual for me, too. And the first semester barely started.”

“The pains of being a law student,” Kochi remarks. He downs his glass of water before opening the cabinets above him to take out three plates. “Anyway, nobody said chasing after your dreams is easy.”

“Tell me about it.”

The door opens and Taiga steps in just as they’ve set up the table and Hokuto has moved his readings to the bedroom. His cheeks are flushed pink despite being bundled up in a scarf, his teeth chattering. “God, it’s so cold outside!” he exclaims.

“Tell me about it.” Kochi slides a cup of tea toward Taiga’s direction.

Taiga doesn’t head for the cup of tea straight away, instead pecking Hokuto on the cheek. “Man, do I wanna die right now,” he says in his most cheerful voice before plopping on a chair.

“Bad day?” Hokuto grimaces, already serving Taiga a bowl of _oden_ and some rice. The sight is honestly too domestic that Kochi feels like he’s intruding into someone’s married life.

“Not really. Just some last-minute prep for tomorrow’s event.” Taiga sighs, picking up his cup of tea. “By the way, would you guys come with me? We could really use a boost with the attendance.”

Kochi isn’t really into social gatherings and crowded places. As much as possible, he’d rather hang out with a close circle of friends rather than mingle with several strangers.

But this event is important to Taiga. He had been preparing this independent film festival launch for years, being one of the budding assistant directors in the city. Kochi is not going to miss out on his friend’s achievements.

He smiles. “Sure, count me in. That’s after my therapy appointment, right?”

“It’s in the evening, so you’re good!”

“And, of course, I’m coming.” Hokuto presses a kiss on the top of Taiga’s head before sitting down. “Now, let’s eat and tell me about your day. Distract me from my readings.”

  
  


The independent film festival is held in one of the city’s largest cinemas. As he descends the taxi, Kochi feels incredibly underdressed as he watches people pour in the building. Hokuto had to pat him on the back and tell him he looks fine before they both head inside.

The cinema is packed that Kochi has to stay close to Hokuto as they try to squeeze into the crowd. A waiter offers them a glass of champagne and some appetizers, and they decide to hang out for a bit and wait for most of the crowd to make their way inside the theater before heading inside as well.

“Didn’t expect such a crowd,” Hokuto remarks, though his chest is puffed out, obviously proud to see the fruits of his boyfriend’s labor.

Kochi shrugs, sipping from his glass. “Glad Taiga’s work is paying off.”

“Oh, definitely. You have no idea how much he whined about this for the past few months.”

“Hey, Hokuto? Is that you?”

They turn to the direction of the loud voice and Kochi almost drops his champagne glass. His jaw  _ does _ drop open.

Standing before them is that Jesse customer from yesterday. He looks dapper in a suit, slim-cut pants accentuating his tall legs. He looks suave as he holds his glass of champagne, grinning as he approaches them.

“Jesse?” Hokuto says, in disbelief. His face then breaks into a smile, and he meets Jesse halfway, giving him a one-armed hug. “Oh wow, what are you doing here?”

“Moved last week, joined the team who made this possible.” He spreads his arms to gesture at the entire theater. “You?”

“Well, my boyfriend is one of the organizers. Taiga?”

Jesse’s eyes widen. “Kyomoto-kun? Oh, wow, small world!” His gaze then falls on Kochi, and he smirks. “Really. Kochi from The Green Cup, right?”

Kochi feels his face heating up, but he nods. “How was our food?” he asks, lamely, for the lack of anything better to say.

“Oh, it’s great. I’ll definitely come back for the food. And the service.”

Another wink, and Kochi wants nothing more but to shrivel up.

“Anyway, I think my boss is looking for me. Catch up soon, yeah?”

“Oh yeah, my number’s still the same.”

“Cool! I’ll text you.”

Hokuto raises an eyebrow at him just as Jesse disappears in the crowd. “So you know him?” he asks.

“Barely. He came into the cafe yesterday, ordered, hung out there, then left.”

“Oh.” Hokuto nods. “Jesse’s a really nice guy, though. We go way back in high school.”

“Huh. Small world.” And something bubbles up inside of him, the realization that he and Jesse, the guy who has been trying to flirt with him yesterday, have mutual friends, which means they might be seeing each other often.

It’s either going to go well … or it’s going to descend into chaos.

Either way, Kochi is scared of finding out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my quickest update ever???
> 
> Anyway, apparently I write more when I'm stressed, and since it's midterms ... lol.

After the first week of the New Year, a day at the café returns to its usual day. Aiba opens up shop and brings in freshly baked goods, and Kochi, Juri, and Shintaro set up the café before turning the store sign to Open.

They meet their usual customers and welcome new ones, some of them tourists. Kochi has their orders memorized by heart, and if the café isn’t so busy, he would chat with some of the customers, asking them about their day.

Right on time, the door to The Green Cup opens at five in the afternoon, and Hokuto steps in, looking like he brought his entire desk with him. He sets down his huge bag and laptop bag on his usual seat—on one of the long benches by the window—before heading to the counter.

“The usual?” Kochi asks, already punching keys on the cash register before Hokuto could say anything.

Hokuto nods. “Give me an extra shot of espresso please,” he says, fishing out his wallet.

_ Ah _ . “One of those days, huh?” Kochi hums, accepting Hokuto’s payment.

“Yeah. The professor was in an extra bad mood and pulverized the class in case discussions. Why did I take up law school again?”

“Because you said you want to help people.”

Hokuto sighs, his shoulders sagging. “Right.” He gratefully accepts the receipt and heads to his table.

Taiga arrives at the café just as Shintaro and Juri have switched the store sign to “Closed.” Like always, they let Taiga because Hokuto seems permanently glued to the table, lost in his readings.

What Kochi doesn’t expect, however, was for Jesse to tail behind Taiga. As always, Jesse looks like he had stepped out of a fashion show runway, and Kochi feels small to be wearing, well, his usual staff uniform.

Jesse smiles widely at him. “Hey,” he greets with a small wave of his hand.

Kochi manages a smile, if only to be polite. He’s still working, after all. “Do you want to order something?” he asks. “We still have baked goods left.”

“Nah, I’m good.” Jesse shakes his head.

“Hey!” Taiga greets, already dragging Hokuto out of his table by the hand. “Come join us for dinner, Kochi. Jesse’s joining us, too.”

He glances at Jesse, who’s scratching his cheek, which he could have sworn is tinted pink.

He looks back at Taiga, who’s looking at him expectantly, and shrugs. He’s very sure Hokuto hasn’t made anything for dinner, and he’s too lazy to whip up something for himself. “Yeah, sure.”

  
  


Taiga drags them to a traditional Japanese restaurant which is a ten-minute walk from the café. He mentions his name to the receptionist, who then refers them to a waiter that brings them to a private room.

“I already ordered oyster for us in advance,” he announces as the waiter hands them the menu. “Just feel free to order whatever. My treat.”

“Taiga’s so cool,” Jesse mutters, grinning as he looks at his own menu.

“Wow, you’re on a first-name basis with him already,” Kochi remarks, amazed. He’s met some of Taiga’s coworkers, and they usually address him with honorifics.

Taiga chuckles, reaching for his cup of tea. “Jesse’s too friendly. Might as well drop the honorifics.”

“Anyway,” Hokuto speaks up just as the waiter comes in and serves them an oyster plate, “what brings you here, Jesse? I thought you’ll live in Nevada for good.”

“Eh.” Jesse shrugs, reaching for an oyster. “Dad’s teaching contract was extended, and Mom didn’t want everyone to separate. I wasn’t so keen on leaving them either. So.”

“Staying in Japan for good?”

“Probably. Not sure yet, but if I can’t say no to an offer to go back, I’ll probably go back.”

The entire dinner was basically everyone getting to know Jesse, with Hokuto and Jesse catching up on what they have been up to since high school. Jesse took up a marketing major, which is why he’s under Taiga’s team at the moment. He’s also planning to do some odd jobs here and there.

When Jesse laughs, he laughs loud and in full force. It’s annoying, and it’s enough to send the waiter in their room and look at them with concern. But Hokuto and Taiga just laugh along.

(Kochi, too, despite his better judgment.)

(Maybe having Jesse around isn’t bad after all.)

  
  


Jesse has become a regular customer in The Green Cup. Sometimes he drops by with Taiga, in need to get away from their workplace.

Other times, he comes by himself, ordering his usual and sitting on his usual seat. He’d try to flirt with Kochi, which the latter would shrug off. He appreciates the gesture, but he’s  _ really not _ going to go there.

“Are you sure you’re not gonna flirt back?” Juri asks him. It’s downtime in the café, with Jesse and only a couple of customers inside. It means that they hang out in the staff room and peek (and occasionally) judge customers without fear of backlash. “He’s really,  _ really  _ into you.”

Kochi rolls his eyes, though he does steal a glance at Jesse, who’s busy checking something on his phone.

A girl sitting from the other side of the café stands up and approaches Jesse. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, her cheeks flushed. Obviously, she is very much interested in Jesse.

Jesse looks up from his phone, and there’s no missing the way he perks up at the sight of the cute girl before him.

An ugly feeling settles in Kochi’s stomach, and he turns away from the sight, hoping that Aiba’s struggling with accounting again to keep himself busy.

  
  


**Taiga:** All-you-can drink after your shift?

**Kochi:** Bad day?

**Taiga:** YES

**Taiga:** Hokku’s coming with as always haha Jesse too

**Taiga:** Bring Juri and Shin if you want!

**Kochi:** They said yes. Send me the location and we’ll meet you there

**Taiga:** Yay!

  
  


The bar, Kochi finds out, is pretty popular for its all-you-can-drink concept that there’s a long line waiting for them when he, Juri, and Shin arrive. Luckily, Taiga told them to tell the receptionist his name, and they were ushered inside in no time, much to the grumbling of everyone else in the line.

Taiga, Hokuto, and Jesse are already seated in a long wooden table, glasses of beer in hand. “Glad everyone could make it!” Taiga greets, cheeks already pink.

“Looks like you already had a head start,” Juri remarks, grinning as he slides next to Hokuto. Then, Shin takes the seat across Juri.

Which leaves Kochi sitting next to Jesse.

Jesse’s smile is blinding as Kochi sits next to him. “How was work?” he asks.

“Same old.” Kochi doesn’t meet his eye as he remembers the smile Jesse gave to the cute girl at the café. It’s the same smile Jesse is giving Kochi, most probably.

Jesse might have asked a follow-up question, but he was interrupted by Shin reaching for the bowl of appetizers.

  
  


The night is still young, and the café doesn’t open on Sundays, so Kochi, Shin, and Juri take it easy for the night. It’s already given that his coworkers instantly bonded with Taiga and Hokuto, being Kochi’s friends by default, but it was surprising how they clicked with Jesse easily.

Either way, it feels like a close-knit group of six is forming, and it stirs warmth in Kochi’s chest. He hadn’t felt this close with others since …

Well.

They eventually leave the bar and go exploring in the streets, trying street food and watching street performers. Juri ends up being dragged by one of the singers, and he ends up blowing everyone away with his rap skills. Taiga, Hokuto, and Shintaro cheer along, while Kochi is content with sitting on the bench, watching the shenanigans from afar.

“Not gonna cheer for your friend?”

He looks up and finds Jesse sitting in the empty space next to him. He hands Kochi a bottle of water, which he accepts with thanks. “Nah, just tired,” Kochi replies, popping the cap open and taking a sip.

“They’re really great people,” Jesse says, uncharacteristically tired from all the energy he had been exuding for the past few hours. “I’m glad I could hang out with them.”

“For a second, I thought you’re just using them to get to me.”

Jesse throws back his head in laughter. “Hey, I like being liked. Though, that’s something I would do.”

The air around them suddenly feels thick. Kochi had an inkling that Jesse wanted something more than friendship, but it was something that was implied, never spoken out loud.

Kochi isn’t sure what to think, and the loud pounding of his heart isn’t helping him at all.

“Kochi?”

They dropped the honorifics after dinner a few days ago, but Kochi’s heartbeat accelerates nonetheless. More so when Kochi locks gazes with Jesse and sees the younger man looking at him with such fondness.

“Y-Yeah?” he manages to stutter, the blubbering mess that he is.

“Go out with me.”

Kochi’s eyes widen. “What?”

“Kochi Yugo, will you go out on a date with me?” The usual bright smile on Jesse’s face is faltering, but his gaze doesn’t waver.

It feels like he’s been doused by cold water, and he wills to say something.  _ Anything _ . “You … want to go out on a date with  _ me _ ?”

Jesse nods.

Kochi wants to laugh, waiting for someone to pop out from behind him and yell “Sike!” But no one does, so he asks, “... why?”

Jesse blinks. “What do you mean ‘why?’” He scoots close, way too close, and reaches for Kochi’s hand. “I think you’re cute, and I can’t stop thinking about you.”

He’s almost distracted with the way Jesse’s hand is warm and how it fits his quite naturally. But … “You don’t even know me.”

“But I want to get to know you. That’s why I’m asking you out.”

“Jesse …” Kochi didn’t think he’d be in another situation like this. His palms start to sweat, and panic rises in every fiber of his body. “No.”

Jesse’s eyes widen. He looks like a confused puppy. “Why not?”

Why is this so hard to do? “I …” Kochi speaks slowly. “I’m not looking for a relationship. Like, not now.  _ Not ever _ .”

Understanding finally dawns on Jesse, then replaced with what looks like Kochi had just shattered his dreams. “Okay. Can I ask why?”

Kochi shrugs, trying not to remember why. As far as they’re concerned, he and Jesse aren’t close. “I just don’t think I’m made for one.” At least there’s some truth to that statement.

“Was it because of a bad relationship?”

Kochi squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to remember the soft touches couples with lungfuls of air he badly needed … “No, I’ve never had a relationship before.”

He waits for Jesse to laugh at him, or to just look shocked or something but Jesse just presses his lips together for a while. "Okay. So… there’s no really chance for us at all?”

Kochi gulps and shakes his head.

It makes sense. Kochi doesn’t want to be in a relationship. And Jesse, for all his charm and blinding smile, is going to dump him once he finds someone more charming, more attractive, more interesting …

So why does he wish that he should have brought himself to say yes instead?

“Okay.” Jesse gulps, his gaze on the ground. “Can we … at least be friends?”

Friends. Yes. This is something Kochi can deal with. “Yeah, friends it is.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mention of blood and injury

Kochi is used to dreams because he has them frequently.

He knows he’s dreaming because the shower curtain is deep, rich red (it’s actually yellow). The cabinet under the sink has a loose knob (he knows the bathroom cabinet has a long handle). The bathroom mirror isn’t supposed to be broken, his image fractured in the broken glass. His cheeks aren't supposed to be bruised, his lips aren’t supposed to be split, and there isn’t supposed to be blood on his face.

Someone pounds on the door, yelling words he can’t understand. Before Kochi could react, the door bursts open, and suddenly he’s sucked into a black hole. It makes a noise like a thousand siren screams and moves toward him in pulsing, jarring increments. It lashes out and knocks him back against the edge of the bathtub. He reaches for the curtains, but it is flimsy, immaterial, the fabric passing through his hand like a ghost.

The back of his skull hits against the hard, tile walls, the sound echoing off the whole as the black hole descends upon him, swallowing him whole.

  
  


Kochi sits up on his bed, clutching the blankets around him, his skin chilled with sweat, his breathing ragged and his heart pounding so fast it physically hurts.

He touches the back of his head with his hand. It’s dry. He checks his other hand. No blood. He’s fine. He’s alive.

Dim lights filter through his blinds from the outside. A car drives by on the street, playing loud music from its speakers. He waits for the music to fade before rolling into his back and throwing the blankets off him, feeling like he’s suffocating.

He reaches for his phone on the nightstand. It’s half-past three in the morning. Groaning, Kochi pushes himself off his bed and, with shaky legs, makes his way to the bathroom.

He turns on the bathroom light and catches his reflection in the mirror. “Shit,” he mutters, his hands gripping the edge of the sink. There are huge circles under his eyes, and there’s a line forming between his brows. 

At least, his cheeks aren’t bruised and his lips aren’t split. And that’s the most important part.

He turns on the tap, letting the water run freely. He leans over, cups the water in both hands, and splashes it on his face, rubbing it with a shuddering sigh.

In the mirror, he notices that their shower curtain is pulled completely shut. Panic flares in his gut. Kochi turns around and flings the curtain open, even though he knows there won’t be anything but their shower products behind it.

But he has to check, just to be sure.

All he sees is the cool gray tiles and the rack with their shower products. Kochi’s knees give out, and he sinks to the floor, sitting with his back pressed against the cabinet under the sink. He breathes in and out as his pulse slows, the running water in the sink calming him somewhat.

Later, Taiga finds him there, hugging his knees and resting his cheek on them. “Hey,” he whispers, turning off the tap before sinking next to Kochi and reaching out to brush back the hair from his forehead.

Kochi blinks and inhales. “Sorry,” he croaks. “Did I wake you?”

Taiga smiles and shakes his head. “It’s past five,” he says, fingers still carding through Kochi’s hair.

“Bad dream,” Kochi whispers, even though he knows he doesn’t need to explain. It’s not the first time Taiga had seen him like this.

“Okay.” Taiga’s voice is quiet and warm. “Want to try and catch up on sleep before your shift starts? In your own bed?”

“Yeah.” Kochi nods against his knees.

Taiga shifts and stands, holding out his hand for Kochi to take. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “Try to sleep for a little longer, okay?”

Kochi sniffs. “Okay.”

They make their way to Kochi’s bedroom. Taiga sits on the edge of the mattress as Kochi slips himself back under the covers. Taiga reaches for Kochi’s hand and squeezes it. “Thank you,” Kochi says.

Taiga smiles again, bright despite the dimness of the room. “Get some sleep.”

“You, too.”

When Taiga leaves, Kochi sighs and sinks into the mattress, pretty sure he won’t be able to get any sleep, especially with sunlight streaming through his blinds. He picks up his phone from the nightstand to check if his alarm is still on in case he  _ does _ end up falling asleep.

To his surprise, he sees new notifications.

From Jesse.

He nearly drops the phone on his face when it starts buzzing. What is Jesse doing up at past five in the morning?

Curious, Kochi unlocks his phone and checks the thread of messages.

**Jesse:** hello!

**Jesse:** thanks for being so cool about the confession last night

**Jesse:** still feel bummed you rejected me >.<

**Jesse:** but!!! i’m happy we’re at least friends!

**Jesse:** anyway hahaha you’re probably asleep when you read this but yeah!!! see you whenever!

Kochi reads the messages, rereads them, and wonders why there’s a surge of warmth spreading through his chest. His thumbs hover on the screen, and he takes a deep breath before responding.

**Kochi:** Good morning to you, but why are you awake at past 5 in the morning?

Jesse’s answer is almost immediate.

**Jesse:** why are YOU awake???

Kochi snorts to himself.

**Kochi:** Woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep. Now answer my question.

**Jesse:** early call-time T_T boss is taking me to a location shoot

**Kochi:** Oh, ok. Good luck then.

**Jesse:** Thank you. T_____T

And, well, somehow that’s enough to get him through the day.

  
  


Their texts become more frequent. Jesse, Kochi learns, would message him every chance possible, asking him random stuff from his favorite colors to his favorite TV show.

**Jesse:** pineapple on pizza? yay or nay?

**Kochi:** What kind of question is that?

**Kochi:** Also, none.

**Jesse:** WHAT???

**Jesse:** BUT ALSO NOTED!

**Kochi:** For what?

**Jesse:** when we hang out

**Jesse:** for pizza!

**Kochi:** Uh, ok?

  
  


Chatting with Jesse, to his surprise, is … fun.

It’s easy, and it makes Kochi forget about that night when Jesse asked him out on a date.

Their daily messages make Kochi aware of how different they are. Jesse is outspoken, not afraid to speak his mind, and Kochi is … none of the above. Jesse is out meeting all kinds of people and befriending them, and Kochi is happy interacting with his close circle of friends.

It’s different … but it’s nice.

Everyone in The Green Cup keeps teasing him every time his phone beeps. “It’s like when we were young and Masaki would constantly message me,” Becky had remarked at one time

Kochi waves off all forms of teasing because friends text each other, right? Nothing wrong with that.

His phone beeps for the umpteenth time, and Kochi stuffs it inside his pocket this time. No more distractions for the entire workday.

  
  


He’s about to go on his lunch break when his phone beeps again, but this time it’s a message from his mother. He’s relieved that his mother is at least sensitive enough to ask if she could call before actually calling him.

“Yugo?” Her voice is cheerful as always. Kochi had always been told he got his usual cheerfulness from her.

He smiles. “Hey, Mom. How are you?”

“I’m doing great! I’m packing up stuff for your father. He’s going camping again with some friends.”

“In the winter?” Kochi laughs at that. “Make sure you pack enough blankets.”

“Oh, I definitely will. But anyway, sweetie, enough about us. How are  _ you _ ?”

Kochi hums. His mother always checks up on him at least once a month, but there’s nothing really much to tell her. It’s the usual routine at the café, sometimes he’d tell her a bit about Taiga and Hokuto, about Aiba and Becky, about Shin and Juri. Sometimes there’s some interesting customer …

_ Jesse _ .

“You’re deep in thought,” his mother’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts. “Something good happened recently?”

Hand it to mothers for being so observant. “Well …” he says slowly. “Taiga has a new coworker, and he sort of got absorbed in our group of friends.”

“It’s always nice to have a new friend,” his mother remarks. “Tell me about them?”

What else is there to tell about Jesse? Aside from being tall, model-like, and apparently cool until you get to know him? That he has this most annoying laugh but also this most endearing smile when he’s sincere about something?

“Oh, I see.” His mother brings him out of his thoughts again. “I see, Yugo …”

“You see, what?” Kochi asks, blinking.

She chuckles. “Nothing, nothing. So, how about therapy?”

  
  


Speaking of therapy.

Kochi has his appointments with Dr. Kato every Wednesday in the afternoon. He usually takes a half-day off from work for therapy appointments then makes up for work in a half-day on Saturday. 

Dr. Kato was recommended to him by Aiba the moment Kochi moved to town. (Somehow, Aiba just seems to know the right people for anything you need.)And, well, Kochi is thankful. Dr. Kato isn’t judgmental, doesn’t interrupt, and speaks only when he’s very sure Kochi has nothing else to say.

Sometimes he’d leave a session feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Other times, he leaves as confused as his first session, maybe even more confused.

But then Dr. Kato says it’s normal, and years’ worth of … what happened to him would take some time for him to learn and unlearn.

It’s sometimes frustrating, but Kochi does his best to listen to Dr. Kato and just trusts the process.

  
  


“Kochi, your friends are bothering me again!” Juri yells.

Kochi walks out of the supply room to see Taiga, Hokuto, and Jesse by the counter. Taiga is brightly grinning, and Hokuto, as always, looks like he had a stressful day at school. And a small grin spreads to Jesse’s face when their eyes meet.

He distracts himself by wiping his hands on a towel. “The usual?” he asks.

“Yeah, and we’re dragging you to the movies tonight,” Taiga announces. “We got free tickets.”

“Oh, cool. What movie?”

Taiga shrugs. “I don’t know yet. The sponsor from the previous film fest said I’ll just have to pick it up at the cinema, so … it’s a surprise, I guess.”

“Well, I can’t say no to a free movie.” Kochi grins. “What time should we be there?”

“Anytime, so we’ll just hang out here and wait for your shift to end.”

“Okay, but you need to order.”

“Spoken like a real assistant manager.” Taiga chuckles, waving before they head to a long table.

Aiba insists he skip their closing routine so he could hang out with his friends. Kochi is reluctant to go ahead, so it took a push from his boss before he could actually get changed and meet his friends outside the café.

They have dinner in a nearby restaurant before heading to the cinema. It’s a Friday night, and naturally, the place is packed with people.

“We’re gonna watch a horror movie?!”

Jesse’s loud voice causes most of the people to look at them, much to Kochi’s mortification. The tall man’s eyes are wide when Taiga distributes the tickets after a quick word with the cinema manager.

“Well, that’s what’s on the ticket.”

Meanwhile, Taiga and Hokuto barely bat an eyelash. “You could always pick your own movie,” Hokuto jests. “It’s not like we paid for this.”

Jesse shakes his head. “You know what, it’s free, it’s two hours. I’ll survive.” He thanks the staff who pushes the bucket of popcorn toward their direction. “Let’s do this.”

“Have you ever watched a horror movie with him before?” Taiga asks as they follow Jesse to their assigned theater.

Hokuto chuckles, taking Taiga’s hand in his. “I just want to say I’m sorry for Kochi’s ears later.”

Kochi sighs. “You owe me one for this, Matsumura.”

Naturally, Kochi ends up sitting next to Jesse while Taiga and Hokuto sit on the other side.

“Do you want to switch seats?” Jesse offers. “My seat doesn’t creak.”

“Oh.” Kochi smiles and shakes his head. “I’m good, thanks.”

They settle into a comfortable silence as they watch trailers and until the lights go off, signaling the start of the movie.

It’s like every other horror movie Kochi has watched. It starts all bright and sunny, and then the scary things start happening when the lights go off. (Why do these movie characters never bother turning on their lights?)

Still, Kochi has watched too many horror movies to know the pattern that the jump scares were nothing to him.

The man beside him is a different story. Kochi turns to his side and sees Jesse with his eyes closed, hands gripping the armrests.

He feels slightly bad for feeling amused at the sight.

By the time the movie reaches its halfway point, which means that things would go worse for the characters, he really  _ does _ feel bad for Jesse. Kochi sighs, whispering in Jesse’s ear. “You can predict the jump scares, you know. It’ll be less scary that way.”

Jesse turns his head to his direction way too quickly that their faces are suddenly barely inches apart. Kochi quickly leans back in his seat, his face burning.

“How can you tell?” Jesse whispers.

“It’s not that hard. When it gets really dark and silent, that’s when you know something’s gonna happen.”

“But the entire movie is dark and silent!”

“Keep it down, would you?” a girl from behind them shushes, and Kochi has to apologize before turning his attention back to the screen. Just in time, the main character opens the door to the dark attic and starts descending the stairs.

“No, no, no,” Jesse whimpers. “Don’t go down there, you’ll die!”

Kochi snickers just as half of the theater shriek when the door behind the girl closes, leaving her in complete darkness. Including Jesse, who has his eyes completely shut.

Also, his hand had just gripped Kochi’s.

He’s about to tell Jesse to let go because his heart is doing crazy things, but something tells him otherwise. Jesse is obviously scared, so might as well make things less grueling for him, right?

The movie’s almost over, anyway.

Before he could change his mind, he takes a deep breath and turns his hand around until their palms are faced together, their fingers intertwined.

Jesse looks at their intertwined hands, blinking rapidly.

“I’m only doing this because I don’t want you to be traumatized over this movie,” Kochi whispers. Luckily, it’s dark enough in the theater because he feels his face burning like it isn’t winter right now. “Don’t get any weird ideas.”

It doesn’t take long before Jesse starts squeezing his fingers until it hurts and he starts whispering apologies to Kochi. The thing is, Kochi’s stomach churns at how warm Jesse’s hand is on his, and although painful, he doesn’t feel like letting go.

It does feel less painful when Jesse’s thumb rubs the patch of skin between Kochi’s thumb and index finger, his way of saying thank you.

They don’t let go until the movie ends, and by that point, Kochi’s very much aware that the frantic pounding of his heart wasn’t because of his fear during the movie.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for implications on past abuse

Taiga, Hokuto, and Kochi live in a two-bedroom apartment in one of the more affluent areas of the town. With 24/7 security, lush gardens, and various amenities, it is one of the places Kochi never imagined himself living in unless he were rich.

As luck would have had it, he reconnected with Taiga following That Incident. “Stay with us,” Taiga had offered. “Hokku’s sleeping in my bedroom anyway, so we have a spare room for you.”

“I would, but …” Kochi had seen the photos of the place, and he knows he can’t afford the rent, even if he’s splitting it with Taiga and Hokuto. He could ask Aiba if he could recommend him to a higher-paying job, but …

Taiga had reached for his hand as if he had read Kochi’s mind. “Don’t worry about the money. Pay what you can.”

“Taiga, this is too much.”

Taiga had shaken his head. “I couldn’t help you when I could, so … think of it as me making up to you.”

Kochi would have still said no because there must be some other way for Taiga to make it up to him. But Taiga had looked really sincere, so he agreed.

He thought it would be awkward living with Taiga and Hokuto, but it turned out differently than what he expected. The two are publicly affectionate but know when to stop so as not to make Kochi uncomfortable. Taiga still sucks with chores and cooking, but he does his best to learn from Hokuto and Kochi.

He does pitch in with expenses, but the rent is off-limits, according to Taiga. And Kochi stops insisting after the first six months.

It’s been two years, and Kochi thinks that the apartment may be chaotic from time to time, but it feels the most home to him since … well, ever.

  
  


“You’re lucky that we have a bean bag you can use as a bed.”

Jesse watches as Hokuto drags the long bean bag to the direction of Kochi’s bedroom. He then looks at Kochi apologetically. “I don’t have to sleep in your room if that makes you uncomfortable,” he says.

After the horror movie, Jesse had asked that he sleep over at their place. He said he lives alone and he’ll never be able to sleep after watching that movie. After much teasing from them, they realized that Jesse  _ was  _ genuinely scared, so Taiga offered him to sleep over.

Of course, Taiga and Hokuto share a bedroom, which leaves Kochi’s room. In the end, he agreed because it’s kind of like helping Jesse back at the theater, right?

Besides, it’s not like they’re going to sleep beside each other.

Taiga pulls him aside as Jesse uses the bathroom. “You sure you’re okay with this?” he asks. “We could always ask him to sleep in the living room.”

Kochi nods, smiling reassuringly. “It’s fine, Taiga. He’s gonna come knocking in my door in the middle of the night if he hears any sound. Might as well.”

Taiga still doesn’t look convinced, but he shrugs. “Okay. But if he does anything funny, you yell for me and I’ll come for him with a kitchen knife.”

Kochi laughs at that.

By the time he has changed into his own clothes, Jesse has emerged from the bathroom, wearing one of Hokuto’s pajamas that look slightly tight on him. He picks up the pillow Hokuto had handed him earlier and falls into the long bean bag. “Are you sure this is okay with you?” he asks.

He shrugs, sinking into the mattress and covering himself with his blanket. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “Turn off the lights when you’re ready to sleep. I’m going ahead.”

“O-Okay. Good night, Kochi.”

  
  


The joke’s on Kochi, because after what feels like hours of tossing and turning, he can’t find himself to get to sleep. Meanwhile, the scaredy-cat of their group is sleeping peacefully. Like he wasn’t traumatized from the horror movie they just watched.

He sighs and gives up, sitting up on his bed. He reaches for his phone on the nightstand and checks the time. He swears to himself. It’s past four in the morning. He probably won’t be getting any sleep, so he flings off the blankets, gets up, and tiptoes out of his room.

Kochi opens the fridge and takes out a packet of instant coffee. He smiles to himself when he hears Aiba’s lecture of not getting instant coffee. Still, what Aiba doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

“What are you doing up so early?”

Kochi looks to the direction of his room to find Jesse padding out of it. His eyes are drooping and he lets out a yawn, dragging the bean bag-slash-couch back to the living room, next to the actual couch. “Couldn’t sleep,” he says. “You?”

“Me either.” Jesse yawns again, dragging out one of the seats in the dining table and sitting down.

“Would you like some coffee? Instant, though. I’m too lazy to brew one until Taiga and Hokuto wake up.”

“Yes, please.”

Kochi prepares another cup and slides it to Jesse before taking a seat across him. He then sips from his cup and sighs at the sweet rush of adrenaline.

They stay in silence for a while, both of them scrolling through their phones. Kochi has messages from his mother and father, mostly photos of food and attempts at selfies. His timeline is full of photos from high school and college classmates, some of which he has lost touch with. He makes a mental note to try and reconnect with some of them.

“Hey, can I ask a question?”

Kochi looks up. Jesse has set down his own cup of coffee. “You already asked one,” he counters.

He finds it endearing at how Jesse huffs. “Fine. Then let me ask another one. I was just curious, you know? What made you move in with Taiga and Hokuto?”

“Oh.” Kochi looks down at the steaming liquid in his mug. “Well, I was looking for a place to move into, and Taiga offered his place. He asked if I was okay living with him and his boyfriend, and I didn’t really mind.”  _ Simple as that. _

Jesse hums. “Their PDA doesn’t bother you.”

Kochi snorts at that. “Oh, they’re insufferable at times,” he says with a grin. “But they’re first and foremost my friends, so that outweighs the PDA.” A thought comes to his mind. “How about  _ you _ ? Why did you move here?”

“Nothing really deep.” Jesse takes a sip from his mug. “I just wanted to move someplace where not many people know me. Kind of a fresh start.”

_ A fresh start.  _ Kochi knows that feeling too well. Two years ago, he had longed to be anywhere but at his home, and he took the chance the moment Taiga made that offer.

The door to Taiga and Hokuto’s bedroom opens, and Taiga pads out, his hair disheveled. “Kochi, you’re awake? Did you get another nightmare?”

Jesse looks at him curiously, and Kochi avoids his gaze. “Not really. Woke up early and couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.” Taiga yawns and rubs his eyes, heading for the kitchen. “Well, I’m gonna go make some coffee.”

“I’ll go make breakfast.” Kochi stands up and brings his mug with him, refusing to meet Jesse’s gaze.

  
  


The days fly by, and the next thing Kochi knows is that January is about to end. Taiga wraps up a project, Hokuto is stressed over finals, and Kochi had a particularly busy and stressful day in the café.

To let out some steam, they decide to lock themselves in the apartment, order takeout and some drinks, and just waste Friday night away because they deserve it.

Taiga insists they pick a random movie on  _ Netflix _ as they eat on the floor of the living room, but they tune out in the second half of the movie to just rant.

“I hate my boss.” Taiga stretches then falls on Hokuto’s lap.

“I hate law school,” Hokuto mumbles, running his hand through Taiga’s hair.

“I hate …” Actually, Kochi doesn’t hate Aiba (he would  _ never _ ), Becky, or Shintaro and Juri. But … “I hate this day.”

“Here, here.” Hokuto raises his can of beer and clinks it with Kochi’s.

Kochi sips from his can, glad to taste the bitterness of beer, which he very much needs after today. He glances at the television screen and finds the credits playing. “We should, like, get away and go to an island or something.”

Taiga hums in agreement. “Let’s go to Okinawa.”

“That sounds like a plan.” A small smile spreads to Hokuto’s face. “Can we go after my finals?”

Now that Kochi has thought about it, he has rarely touched his leave credits, which gives him two weeks’ worth of vacation. “We should,” he agrees. “Looks like Taiga needs it badly, too.”

“We should invite Shin and Juri,” Hokuto says. “Maybe Jesse, too.”

Kochi almost chokes on his beer.

“Ooohhh,” Taiga singsongs, rolling off Hokuto and sitting up. “I saw you two holding hands at the cinema.”

“They what?!” Hokuto exclaims, yelping when he spills beer on his shirt.

His face grows warm as he remembers the warmth of Jesse’s hand against his. “He was scared, and I didn’t want him to scream so loud.”

Taiga’s eyebrows are waggling, and Kochi wants to hurl a pillow in his direction. Instead, he says, without thinking, “He asked me out on a date before.”

“He what?!” Hokuto exclaims, eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

He immediately regrets saying it out loud. He had wondered before whether he should tell Taiga and Hokuto, but now that the secret’s out … “I rejected him.”

“Why?” Taiga asks. He looks disappointed for some reason.

Kochi looks down; the beer can he’s holding sure looks interesting at the moment. “You know why.” His voice is almost a whisper, and he feels small.

The atmosphere becomes more tense, and Kochi looks up, forcing a smile. “Sorry for ruining the mood.” 

Taiga scoots close to him and wraps his arms around him. “Don’t be sorry,” he says, tucking his chin on Kochi’s shoulder. “What you’re feeling is valid. If you think you’re not ready to be with someone yet, then don’t force yourself.”

Kochi sniffs at that. “What if I never find someone?” he asks. “What if I change him? Like what happened—”

Taiga pulls away, his face falling. “Kochi ..”

“I’m gonna head to bed early,” Kochi announces, standing up. “Can you guys clean up?”

Hokuto sighs. “Of course.”

Kochi can feel his friends’ eyes on his back as he makes his way to his bedroom, but he does his best to ignore the gaze, keeping his eyes down until he’s behind the bedroom door.

He takes a deep breath before turning on the light and undressing, facing himself in the long mirror. Some days, it’s difficult for him to look. But other times, he tries, even if his jaw tenses at the sight.

He takes off his shirt and drops it to the ground. He reaches up to trace his fingers down the line of his throat, over his collarbone, to the juncture of his neck and shoulder. His fingers run across the scars littering his collar, dark, red, and round, some of them almost perfect circles.

Kochi shudders, remembering the searing heat against his skin that night. He thought he was going to die.

His fingers travel lower, over his chest and ribs. Another set of scars over his hip bone.

Kochi feels pressure building behind the backs of his eyes, and he looks away. No, he’s not going to go there again. Not after the progress he has made for the past two years.

He takes a shuddering breath before stepping out of his jeans. He had looked away from the mirror, but he knows that there’s another scar marking the inside of his right thigh, and another one running up the length of his left forearm.

His phone beeps just as he’s finished changing into his pajamas. It’s a message from Jesse, a photo of his dinner.

No selfie or anything, but it’s enough to stop the tears about to trickle down Kochi’s eyes. He wonders if he’ll ever feel right in his own skin.

If he’ll see himself the way Jesse sees him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me updating during midterms? Highly likely.
> 
> Anyway, two more exams to go and I can watch TrackONE IMPACT, so yay!

When Kochi checks the calendar, he realizes that it’s already the first week of February. The news says that the temperature is about to go lower, so it’s time to wear extra layers.

Honestly, Kochi hates the cold, but sometimes the scars in his body remind him that he can’t wear short sleeves like he used to. The extra layers hide the scars, and no one asks any questions.

He’s about to head out of the apartment when he receives a call from Aiba. “The heater’s broken!” Aiba bemoans. “I’m closing the café in the meantime!”

Kochi’s heart sinks. It was one of those days when he’s looking forward to going to work. “Have you called the repairman?” Kochi asks as he starts to shrug off his coat.

“Yeah, but he called in sick, so I have to look for a new one!”

“Everything okay?” Taiga asks. He’s already bundled up, ready to go to work.

“Oh, yeah. Heater’s broken, so the café's closed in the meantime. Aiba-san’s looking for a repairman, though. Our usual is sick.”

Taiga nods, then lets out a yelp as if he had an epiphany. “Hey, maybe Jesse can help!”

Kochi blinks. “Jesse?” he repeats. “He’s not a repairman.”

“Oh, he can be.” There’s a mischievous glint in Taiga’s eyes. “He repaired our heater a couple of weeks ago. He also fixed our coffee machine, the photocopier, the—”

“Okay, okay, I’ll call him.” Kochi grunts, opening his Contacts list and looking for Jesse’s number. He presses the Call button and prays that Jesse doesn’t pick up.

Jesse  _ does  _ pick up. “Hey, Kochi!” he greets, too cheerful at seven in the morning. “What’s up?”

“Hey,” Kochi greets, ignoring the smirk on Taiga’s face. “Taiga told me you’re good at repairing stuff? We kinda have a situation at The Green Cup.”

“Oh.” He hears clattering on Jesse’s side of the line. “Yeah, sure, what happened?”

“The heater broke, and our usual repairman called in sick. If it’s not too much of a bother!” he adds quickly. “I know you’re on your way to work, too—”

“No, it’s cool! I can go there!” Jesse practically squeaks. “But, uh, can you do me a favor? Can you ask Taiga to cover for me? I’m supposed to be in by eight, but I don’t know how long the repairs will take.”

Kochi is about to look over his shoulder when he notices Taiga had already put on his shoes and is about to leave. “Tell Jesse I already have him covered! Good luck!” He winks at Kochi before closing the door.

He sighs before returning the call.

  
  


The Green Cup is freezing when Kochi enters. He hears a yelp from the staff room and finds Aiba shivering in his coat, teeth chattering. “K-K-Kochi!” he stammers. “Is Jesse with you?”

“He’s on his way,” Kochi assures him, placing his bag on his designated locker. “Just went to get his tools or something.”

As if on cue, the chimes in the door jingle. Kochi turns around just in time to see Jesse step in, cheeks flushed from the cold outside. His gloved hand is holding a toolbox.

Kochi sighs in relief. “Hey, thanks for this,” he says, stepping out of the staff room to guide Jesse toward the heater.

“Anything for my favorite café … and my favorite barista,” Jesse says with a grin.

Kochi ignores the warmth spreading across his face. He opens the door to the maintenance area and switches on the lights. “Well, there you go,” he gestures toward the heater. “Knock yourself out.”

“Okay.” Jesse sets down his toolbox and puts his hands together. “Let’s see first what’s wrong with this thing.”

Kochi decides it would be rude to leave Jesse alone, so he pulls up a stool and browses through his phone. Now and then, he would look up to see how Jesse is doing. Sometimes his back is turned to Kochi, but now and then Kochi would see how Jesse’s eyebrows are furrowed in concentration as he gets to work.

It’s a side of Jesse that he’s never seen before, but he’s pleased to know that beyond the cheerful side that there’s a dedicated, hardworking side to Jesse.

“There, finished!” Jesse announces, dusting his gloved hands before switching on the heater.

Gradually, warmth fills the room, and he hears Aiba’s whoop of victory. A sound of footsteps, and soon Aiba is by the doorway, a wide smile on his face. “It worked!” he exclaims. “Thank you, Jesse-san! How much do I owe you?”

“Ah, it’s nothing, really! Don’t worry about it, Aiba-san!” Jesse says, picking up his toolbox.

Aiba blinks. “Really?” he asks. “You deserve to be paid, though. Not even a drink or baked goods, on the house?”

“Well …” Jesse glances at Kochi. “I was wondering if I could take Kochi to lunch later?”

Kochi chokes on air. “What?” he exclaims.

“Oh, is that what you want?” Aiba blinks again. “Well, only if Kochi agrees.”

Jesse is pouting,  _ honest-to-god _ pouting that he looks like a Golden Labrador Retriever asking for sweets. Kochi sighs. “Okay, fine,” he says.

The way Jesse’s face brightens, his smile widening, sends warmth spreading throughout his chest. Kochi’s very sure that it’s not because of the newly fixed heater.

  
  


Jesse asks him to meet in this traditional Japanese restaurant next to his and Taiga’s workplace. Kochi had been there before, when Taiga would drag him there for lunch break, so at least he’s familiar with the place.

His coworkers at the café tease him all morning about his “date.” Kochi brushes it off, though he does make sure he looks at least decent before he announces he’s leaving for lunch.

The restaurant is already crowded when Kochi arrives, but Jesse had already reserved a table for them at the far end. Jesse spots him from the entrance, beams, and waves too enthusiastically that he almost hits a passing customer.

“Hey, glad you made it,” Jesse says as Kochi takes a seat from across him.

Kochi shrugs, choosing to look at the menu card right away. “The least I can do from saving The Green Cup from freezing. Though, isn’t it counterintuitive that you took the effort to help us, but you’re the one treating me?”

Jesse grins. “Hey, this makes me happy. And I got you a few hours off from work.”

That  _ is  _ a good point. “Well, thanks. Anyway, have you ordered?”

  
  


Kochi realizes halfway through lunch that it’s the first time he and Jesse are actually alone. Together.

And Kochi initially thought it would be weird and awkward, given that he had rejected Jesse before, but it actually isn’t. They fall into an easy conversation that involves getting to know each other, at least beyond what they already know from their previous encounters.

“So you and Aiba-san seem close,” Jesse remarks toward the end of the meal.

Kochi smiles, reaching for his glass of water. “Aiba-san used to be my high school teacher,” he says, taking a sip.

“No way!” Jesse’s eyes widen.

He chuckles at that. “Yup. Taiga and I had him as our high school homeroom teacher for our senior year. We were a pretty close-knit section thanks to Aiba-san.”

“That’s so cool.” Jesse tucks his chin on his hand. “Hokuto and I had a cool homeroom teacher, but everyone’s doing their own thing, so we rarely kept in touch.”

“But you and Hokuto seem close,” Kochi points out.

“That’s because he was my only friend in high school.”

Kochi finds that hard to believe. Jesse, who is sunshine personified, attracting everyone to him wherever he goes, only has the shy, withdrawn Hokuto as a friend in high school?

Then again, the person you were in high school will not necessarily be the person you are in the present. He, of all people, knows that much.

“I bet you’re the handyman of the class,” Kochi jokes, to lighten the mood.

Jesse snorts and rolls his eyes. “The noisy one  _ and _ the handyman,” he corrects. “That’s me.”

“Jesse!”

Kochi looks over his shoulder and sees a woman approaching them. She has long, flowing hair and was wearing a coat over a plaid dress. He also noticed the ID card clipped to her coat, which is the same as Jesse’s.

Jesse grins at the newcomer. “Oh, hello, Kohaku-chan! What brings you—Woah, hey!”

Said Kohaku grabs Jesse by the collar and pulls him forward, annoyance obvious in her expression. “Okay, what is up with you? Why the  _ hell _ do you think it would be a good idea to cancel a date with Akane?”

Jesse sighs, expression souring. “Kohaku-chan, not this again—”

“And you’ve been ignoring Akane’s texts for the past two days!”

Kochi sighs and leans against the wall, feeling slightly trapped between the two coworkers. He feels like he’s intruding, but he can’t seem to tune out the conversation.

“Can’t we talk about this later? I’m in the middle of lunch with a friend.”

"No. What you did was rude. She’s my friend, Jesse, and now I feel like I set her up because you left her hanging." Kohaku glares when Jesse rolls his eyes.

“Something important came up. I apologized to Kimura-san, and she was cool about it. Unlike  _ some people _ .”

“Of course, she’ll be okay about it! She’s been crushing on you the moment you saw each other! How do you think she felt when you finally asked her out and dropped her after that like it meant nothing?” Kohaku shakes her head, and at least Jesse has the decency to look embarrassed.

“At least reschedule the date with her,” Kohaku continues.

Jesse sighs. “Okay, stop. I’ll text her. Now, go away, you’re being rude.”

Kohaku turns to look at Kochi, smiling timidly. “Sorry about that.”

“No, it’s fine.” Kochi smiles reassuringly and even manages a small wave when she bids her goodbye.

“Sorry about that,” Jesse sighs after checking if Kohaku has left. It takes Kochi a few seconds to realize that Jesse is talking to him. “I met her friend at that film festival, and I couldn’t say no when she asked for my number.”

“Why don’t you go on a date with her, then?” Kochi asks, ignoring the bitter taste of the words in his mouth.

Jesse’s brows furrow. “You think I should?”

That’s not what Kochi means. How could Jesse find it so easy to ask him out that day and then say no to someone else who’s … not him? “I don’t know.” Kochi shrugs. “You should at least give it a shot instead of letting her wonder what’s wrong with her that you keep calling off the date.”

“Hmm, sounds right, coming from someone who rejected me outright.”

Kochi chokes on air, an ugly feeling settling in his stomach. Jesse is grinning, which means he meant it as a joke, but it still doesn’t sit right with Kochi. “She’s looking for a relationship.  _ I’m not _ .”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve told me.” Jesse looks out of the large window of the restaurant. “But, seriously, though, have you ever been in love?”

_ Yes _ , Kochi wants to say, but his scars prickle against his clothes. “No,” he says, instead.

“Not even a crush?”

“Well, yeah, but being in love, no.”

“You?”

Jesse hums. “I’ve dated a lot of people, but I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love. Maybe once, but I’m not sure.”

“Who was the lucky person?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Though, there’s no missing the tinge of pink in Jesse’s cheeks. “Though, do you think you won’t be able to find love, ever?”

“Someone like me?” The laugh that comes out of Kochi’s mouth sounds pitiable that he notices the way Jesse winces. “Nah, if I have to live alone for the rest of my life, then I don’t mind.”

Jesse’s brows furrow once more. “You sure about that?”

He’s saved from answering by the beeping of his phone. There’s a message from Aiba, asking him to come back. Kochi mentally sighs in relief. “I have to go,” he announces, standing up. “Thanks for the treat.”

“Oh.” Jesse’s shoulders sag. “Okay, take care.”

  
  


**Jesse:** i texted her

**Jesse:** kimura-san

**Jesse:** we’re going out this weekend

**Kochi:** That’s good.

**Kochi:** Have fun!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, midterms are over, Jesse told me he loves me too, so my week is good! Have an update! 💛❤️

It’s been a week since Kochi last spoke to Jesse, and that was when Jesse told him that he had asked Kimura Akane out on a date. He remembers the knots tightening in his stomach as he read the message, but he nevertheless sent a “Good luck” text to Jesse.

He didn’t bother asking Jesse about the date, but the younger doesn’t send him his usual, random messages and photos. But then again, if things went well with Akane, maybe Jesse is just preoccupied with his new girlfriend.

He learns about Jesse from Taiga, when they’re having their dinner at the apartment.

“Kimura-san seems … nice.”

Kochi pauses from chewing and looks at Taiga. “Kimura-san … you mean Jesse’s date?”

Taiga nods, though his brows are furrowed. “It’s really weird, though. Jesse told me he isn’t interested in her, then suddenly they’re going out.”

He shrugs, ignoring the knots in his stomach. “Maybe he wanted to give her a chance,” he guesses.

“Probably.” Taiga still doesn’t look convinced. “Are you okay about that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Kochi purses his lips, his gaze on his steaming bowl of rice. “It’s his dating life.”

Hokuto, bless his soul, changes the subject with another rant about his schoolwork.

Jesse shows up at The Green Cup the following day, and he’s not alone.

Beside him is a petite girl with ash-brown hair. She carries herself like a model, and to be honest, she and Jesse look good together.

The knots in his stomach tighten him, almost to the point of pain.

“Hey.” Jesse smiles as he approaches his counter, though the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Long time no see.”

Kochi would have asked why Jesse hadn’t texted, but he doesn’t want to put Jesse in the spotlight. “Yeah,” he says, forcing a smile. “The usual?”

“Yes, please.” Jesse looks at the girl beside him. “You?”

She hums and looks up at the menu. “I’ll get a cappuccino.”

“A cheesecake to split?”

“Sounds good.”

Kochi clears his throat as he repeats his orders and accepts Jesse’s payment.

“By the way,” Jesse speaks up, “this is Akane-chan. Akane-chan, this is Kochi, my friend and Taiga’s friend.”

Akane smiles at him and bows her head slightly. “Nice to meet you, Kochi-san.”

She seems nice. Kochi shouldn’t feel bitter toward her. He’s the one who encouraged Jesse into dating her, after all. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“I don’t get it.”

Juri and Shintaro are peeking from the staff room, no doubt observing Jesse and his new date. Kochi ignores them, focusing on fixing the financial spreadsheets while Aiba plays a game on his phone.

“Hey, Kochi,” Shintaro says, “I don’t get it.”

“Get what?” Kochi asks, eyes still glued to the screen.

“That Jesse guy was so into you, and now he’s dating some random chick?”

Kochi sighs. “Don’t say that about her, that’s not nice,” he reprimands. “And besides, Jesse is free to date whoever he wants to date.”

“You’re right, but …” Shintaro pauses. “Jesse doesn’t seem to be enjoying her company.”

“Yeah,” Juri agrees. “He keeps looking here as if waiting for someone to help him or something.”

“Let me see?” Aiba stands up and pokes his head out of the staff room. “Kochi, they’re right. It’s like he’s silently calling you for help.”

“Aiba-san …”

“That’s it. You’re on break from spreadsheet work.”

Kochi is suddenly pulled up from his seat, Aiba holding on to the back of his shirt. His manager is grinning, a glint in his eye.

“Just go ask him how they’re doing or something,” Aiba says. “Nothing wrong with being concerned about your friend, right?”

He sighs, adjusting the back of his apron. “Alright, alright,” he mutters, stepping out of the staff room. “Give me those flyers. Might as well replace the ones in the bulletin board.”

He feels Jesse’s eyes on him as he heads to the bulletin board, barely reacting to something Akane has told him. Kochi refuses to meet his gaze, focusing instead on taking down flyers whose events have already passed. He grabs the relevant flyers and tacks them as a replacement.

“What’s that?”

Kochi almost jumps, but he spins around to find Jesse standing in front of him. “Don’t scare me like that!” he shushes, lightly hitting Jesse on the arm with the flyers he had taken down.

“Sorry.” Jesse grins, and this time it looks less forced. “Just thought I’d say hi.”

Kochi feels warmth spreading to his cheeks. “Well, uh, hi.”

A moment of awkward silence ensues, Jesse looking down at his shoes. Kochi decides to break the silence. “Uh, you should come to our open mic night next week.”

Jesse looks up. “Open mic night?”

“Yeah.” Kochi relaxes, knowing that at least he’s talking about his work. It’s a safe icebreaker. “Every month, we extend café hours for people to perform or watch people perform. Singing, dancing, spoken word poetry, you get the gist.” His heart races. “You should come.” He was about to say that Jesse should come with Akane, but he couldn’t seem to say it. “Taiga’s a regular performer at The Green Cup.”

Jesse hums, looking at the flyer. “Well, I can sing and play the guitar. I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

“You do?” It’s one of the many things Kochi has yet to know about Jesse.

“I was in the school choir in high school.” Jesse puffs out his chest. “Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty darn good at singing.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

Jesse chuckles. “Okay, then. I promise that when you hear me sing next week, you’ll be blown away.”

“Alright, then.” Kochi crosses his arms, looking up at Jesse in challenge. “If I’m blown away, what’s in it for me?”

“Jesse, we have to go,” comes Akane’s voice.

Right, Jesse is on a date. Something ugly creeps inside Kochi, and he tries not to grimace. “Your date is calling for you.”

“Right …” Jesse sighs, rubbing his cheek. “I’ll text you?”

That ugly feeling subsides somewhat and Kochi nods, biting his bottom lip to suppress the smile coming to his lips. “Okay.” He says.

Jesse beams and waves before following Akane out of the café.

“Hey, think this is ready?”

Kochi turns to the side and finds Hokuto holding out a spoonful of soup. He blows through the spoon before opening his mouth, trying to be aware of the flavors in his tongue. He nods. “Needs some salt,” he comments after.

Hokuto nods, reaching for the salt in the condiments section.

They work in silence as they let some jazz music play from Hokuto’s phone through the Bluetooth speakers. It’s their usual routine for cooking dinner, particularly when Kochi is home early from therapy and Hokuto is miraculously finished with his schoolwork for the day. They don’t talk much, but their companionable silence is enough.

By the time they have finished cooking and have set the table, Kochi is strangely exhausted. He sinks into one of the dining room chairs and takes out his phone, which alerts him of a message.

It’s from Jesse.

His heart skips a beat before opening the message. It’s a selfie of him doing some weird pose.

It’s weird, but honestly adorable.

“What’s on your mind?” Hokuto asks from across his seat.

“Nothing.” Kochi shakes his head, though he can’t seem to shake off the smile on his face. 

“Let me guess,” Hokuto speaks in a beat. “Starts with a J and ends with an E.”

Kochi sighs. Nothing gets past Hokuto. “I don’t know what to do,” he admits, lamely.

“Tell him how you feel.”

“I don’t know—”

“It’s simple. He likes you, and you obviously like him. Ask him out. You guys don’t have to commit to a serious relationship yet.”

Kochi closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“Kochi.” Hokuto sighs. “I can’t speak for the entirety of Jesse’s personality, but as far as I’ve known him, he’s a nice guy. Sure, he’s a … natural flirt, but he hasn’t had a history of …” He pauses and bites his bottom lip. “Why not give him a chance?”

“Because what if I’m the problem? What if he’s nice at first, then I change him?”

Dr. Kato already told him that what happened wasn’t his fault. That people change because of other factors. But the voice inside Kochi’s head always comes back and tells him otherwise. He still has a long way to go before he becomes okay again.

Hokuto sighs again. “You know, if he hurts you, you can tell me, right? Because I’ll beat him up.”

Kochi smirks. “Who’s gonna bail you? You’re the future lawyer in this friendship.”

“I have upperclassmen. They’ll know what to do.”

He laughs at that. “I’ll think about it.” It’s the least he can do because acting on his feelings is scary.

A smile spreads across Hokuto’s face.

The Green Cup’s open mic night was Kochi’s idea the moment he joined the café. He was inspired by the open mic nights of the café he and Taiga used to frequent when they needed their coffee fix after an all-nighter in university. It was those events that calmed and encouraged him throughout his stay in university.

The open mic night meant staying late at the café, but the results are always worth it. Various artists (whether new or on the brink of fame) come to perform, and the audience enjoys the performances and the food.

This particular open mic night happens to coincide with Valentine’s Day, so The Green Cup’s usually biophilic interior is replaced with a red, white, and pink theme. Shintaro and Juri have already set aside the tables and chairs to make space for the small platform that would put the spotlight on the performers. Aiba and Becky have already set up the bar where they serve some cocktails.

Meanwhile, Kochi had just finished setting up their mini-sound system from the side of the platform. He checks the speakers and tests the mics, and he smiles in relief when they work.

As always, Hokuto and Taiga are the first to arrive, hands intertwined. Hokuto’s carrying Taiga’s guitar case, setting it down one of the tables at the front before following Taiga as they approach Kochi.

“You guys sure brought your Valentine’s game to this place,” Taiga remarks as he looks around.

“I hope that’s a good thing?” Aiba grins, approaching them and handing Taiga and Hokuto two glasses of cocktails.

“Of course it is, Aiba-sensei,” Taiga chuckles, sipping from the straw.

“Please stop calling me that. I stopped being a teacher years ago.”

“Old habits die hard.” Taiga grins. He sets down his glass and grabs his guitar case. “Can I do a soundcheck?”

“Knock yourself out.”

Soon, the café is starting to fill up with performers and audience members alike. Kochi helps the performers in their soundcheck, while Juri and Shintaro serve food and drinks and talk to the customers.

He has just finished assisting Ninomiya, Aiba’s close friend, with his piano when a shadow looms over him. “Hey.”

He looks up, and his heart skips. “Oh, hey, Jesse,” he greets, his gaze on the guitar case slung over the younger one’s shoulders. “Glad you made it.”

“Well, I was invited.” Jesse grins. He sets down his guitar case. “And besides, I have to show you how great I am at singing.”

Kochi snorts. “Yeah, so I’ve been told. So, have you figured it out? What’s in it for me if you impress me?”

Jesse’s gaze wavers, his face flushing suddenly. “Well, I’ll tell you when I’m done.”

“Fine.” Kochi hasn’t thought of anything yet if Jesse fails to impress him anyway. This gives him more time to think.

Then, he notices something. He cranes his neck to look behind Jesse and toward the tables. “Kimura-san’s not with you?” he asks.

Jesse grimaces. “Uh, we broke it off. It didn’t work out.”

“Oh. Sorry about that.” But in fact, Kochi is trying to quash the smile that’s threatening to creep to his face.

“Eh, it’s cool.” Jesse shrugs. “What’s important is that we tried, right?” He looks over his shoulder when he hears Hokuto’s voice. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, sure.”

It’s only he realizes that he’s actually grinning when Aiba elbows him in the arm and hands him a drink.

  
  


Aside from a slight delay at the beginning of the program, the rest of the night is smooth sailing.

Juri commands the night as the program’s host, as usual. He thanks everyone for coming to the open mic night and greets everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day before introducing the first performer.

Kochi, as always, pays attention to the platform, making sure that the spotlight and the mics are working. Fortunately, the performances go by without a hitch, allowing him to sit back and relax from his own corner of the café.

Ninomiya had just finished performing when Juri introduces Jesse.

“And we have our next performer who’s a first-timer in our open mic night. Please give it up for Jesse!”

Jesse stands up, smiles, and waves at everybody before heading to the platform. He then takes a seat on the stool at the center of the platform, adjusts the microphone stand, and props his guitar on one knee while his other leg is steady on the floor.

“So, hi,” Jesse begins, facing the crowd. “I’m Jesse.”

“Hi, Jesse!” some members of the audience echo.

Jesse chuckles, strumming the guitar. “For my first time at The Green Cup’s open mic night, I would like to dedicate this song to all the people in love tonight.” Another strum of the guitars, and he begins to play.

Kochi already heard from Jesse that he’s darn good at singing, and, well … he’s right. Jesse’s sweet voice serenades the crowd as he sings some English ballad. It was very clear that Jesse had been trained at an early age to control his voice, and it’s somehow making Kochi’s knees weak, and he’s lucky that he’s sitting down.

For some reason, his conversation with Hokuto comes back to him. “ _Ask him out. You guys don’t have to commit to a serious relationship yet._ ”

Kochi had been in denial, but he knows that he likes Jesse, likes him enough to make him wonder what it would be like dating again. Liking someone again.

The question is, though, is he brave enough to take a chance?

Jesse finishes playing, and a loud round of applause reverberates throughout the café. He stands up and bows as Juri introduces him again.

Jesse steps down on the side of the platform close to Kochi’s seat. His smile is expectant, almost shy, that Kochi’s breath gets caught in his throat.

“So?” Jesse asks, almost sounding breathless. “Did I blow you away?”

Kochi’s impulse would tell Jesse that he already did, when Jesse asked him out that night. But Kochi is a coward, and he just nods, without a word.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Another quick update. This is particularly my favorite chapter, so enjoy!

It’s close to ten in the evening when the open mic ends. Kochi takes the time to see off the audience members and performers, thanking them for making the night enjoyable. Hokuto and Taiga tell him they’re going ahead to celebrate the rest of Valentine’s Day.

Like last year, they let Aiba and Becky go ahead because the married couple deserve to celebrate Valentine’s Day without thinking of work. He, Shin, and Juri spend the next few minutes cleaning up and closing shop.

“Hey, Kochi,” Juri says, nudging him on the arm. “Jesse isn’t leaving yet?”

He glances to the direction of the café entrance. Jesse was waiting there, one hand on his phone and another in his pocket. Kochi briefly remembers Jesse has a score to settle with him after the performance.

“He’s waiting for me,” Kochi says, sliding one of the chairs to the side.

“Ooh, finally, progress.” Shin waggles his eyebrows.

Kochi pointedly ignores him.

Soon, Juri and Shintaro bid their goodbyes, leaving Kochi to double-check the rest of the café. Jesse remains rooted to his spot, looking at Kochi expectantly.

“You can tag along as I close shop, if you want. It’s not like there’s anyone else here.”

“Oh, okay.”

Kochi finishes double-checking everything in the café in a matter of minutes, letting Jesse trail behind him. He sighs in relief when he heads to the staff room and grab his bag, ready to head home when—

“I want a kiss.”

Kochi spins around and stares at Jesse, who’s standing by the doorway. “What?” he asks.

Jesse’s gaze doesn’t waver. “We agreed there’s something in it for us after my performance. You said you were impressed with my singing, so I’ve thought about what’s in it for me. I want you to kiss me.”

Kochi hasn’t known Jesse for long, but that’s reason enough for Kochi to know that Jesse doesn’t simply ask for something ridiculous like that.

He grips the strap of his bag a bit harder, his hands clamming up. “This isn’t funny.”

“I’m not joking.”

“You just broke things off with Kimura-san, and now you’re making me your rebound—”

Jesse’s eyes widen. “What? No! The reason I broke up with Akane-chan is because I can’t stop thinking about you.”

His heart thumps. “Then … why would you take her out on a date?”

Jesse laughs in disbelief, stepping closer. Kochi automatically steps back.

“Are you serious? Because you told me to. And I thought that was a sign that I should move on, so I gave her a shot. But all that time, you’re the only one on my mind.”

Kochi thinks of something to say, but his mind comes up blank. It doesn’t help that Jesse is just way too close, eyes too sharp and too handsome.

A couple of hours ago, he had resolved to at least say what he feels, but the other side of him—the one that’s scared—is winning.

“Jesse, look. It’s getting late. Let’s just talk about it—”

“Why are you so scared?”

“I’m not scared, it’s just—”

“Look, I’m not stupid. The moment you held my hand in the cinema, I know there’s something. You like me, too. But you’re terrified—”

Kochi doesn’t know what came over him, but he leans up and presses his lips against Jesse’s.

Well, it wasn’t a kiss because their lips barely touched, but it got Jesse to shut up. Still, it doesn’t help that he held his breath after because he can’t believe he just did that.

“What … what was that?” Jesse asks after a beat of silence, his lips parted in surprise.

Kochi feels his face grow warm, and he tries to shrug it off. “I kissed you.”

Jesse chuckles. “Kochi … that _wasn’t_ a kiss.” He smiles, more genuine this time.

“Our lips touched, so I think that counts as a kiss …”

Kochi trails off when Jesse steps closer until Kochi is backed against the wall and the tips of their shoes are touching.

Kochi is scared shitless because Jesse carefully lifts a hand to cup the side of his face, and he starts leaning in slowly as if he’s approaching a wild animal.

Their eyes meet for a brief second, and Kochi’s heart does a loud thump. The fear subsides, and he closes his eyes just in time to feel Jesse’s lips press against his own.

Jesse’s palms are on Kochi’s cheeks and Kochi is gripping Jesse’s sweater on his sides to keep himself steady, trying hard not to let Jesse’s touch and his scent and his warmth get to him, but it’s the only thing he’s aware of.

He pulls Jesse closer, and Jesse kisses him deeper, and Kochi is absolutely mortified at the sound that escapes his throat. It makes Jesse slow down, makes him kiss Kochi like he’s trying to calm him down, like he’s trying to reassure Kochi that it’s okay.

And Kochi eventually relaxes because this is Jesse and everything’s okay.

When Jesse pulls away, it’s like he sucks the air out of Kochi’s lungs with it, because he feels like he just came up for air after staying underwater for too long.

Kochi’s knees start to give away, but Jesse keeps him steady with his hands on his waist. Jesse’s chest is rising and falling faster than before, and it’s nice to know that Kochi isn’t the only one so thrown off by the kiss.

“So?” Jesse asks, breathless.

Kochi opens his mouth, but no sound comes out of it. His heart is beating so fast that he swears it’s going to pop out of his chest any minute.

Jesse seems to understand, and he just pulls Kochi closer. Because this is Jesse, annoying but sweet, and Kochi is kind of going crazy over him and kissing him makes Kochi want to never kiss anyone again who isn’t Jesse.

He turns his head and takes in the scent of Jesse’s perfume. It’s somehow comforting, and it’s probably one of the reasons why Kochi isn’t freaking out anymore.

“What’s on your mind?” Jesse asks, running his palms over Kochi’s back, as if still trying to calm him down.

“There’s …” Kochi mumbles against Jesse’s chest. “I’m still scared.”

“Me, too.” Jesse tries to pull away, but Kochi isn’t ready to face him yet after what they just did, so he tightens his grip on the back of Jesse’s sweater and keeps him close.

“You are?” Kochi can’t believe it. The way Jesse flirts and puts people at ease seem so natural. “Why?”

This time, Jesse pulls away again, and Kochi lets him. His heart drops when he lifts his head to meet Jesse’s eyes.

He smiles softly. “Because it’s you, and even though I usually bounce back from a rejection, I can’t seem to stop thinking about you.”

“I didn’t like it,” Kochi blurts out, “when I saw you with Kimura-san. It hurt.”

Be honest, Dr. Kato had told him. It will be better if you expressed how you feel.

Jesse looks taken aback. “I’m sorry.”

Kochi is quick to shake his head. “Don’t be. I told you to go out with her, right?”

“Yeah, but I was being petty. I feel glad for calling it off with Akane-chan, though. It’s not fair to her.”

He doesn’t know what came over him, what makes him do what he does next, but his chest is heaving and his blood is rushing everywhere and he’s suddenly leaning up, pulling Jesse down by his neck to press their lips together again. Jesse makes a soft sound against his mouth, but he kisses back like this might just be the last kiss they’ll ever have.

Kochi pulls back for air, his mind pleasantly numb and the air around them filled with their hasty breathing. Jesse leans in again, his arms around Kochi, his mouth on Kochi, warm and soft and slick and kind of perfect.

“Are you okay?” Jesse whispers against his mouth when they pull away again. Kochi tilts his head up, brushing their lips together because he can’t get enough.

Kochi nods. The panic has subsided somewhat, and for that he’s glad. But there’s still much to tell.

So he starts with the easier part. Sort of. “I can’t commit to a relationship yet,” he says. “I want to start slow.”

“Okay.” Jesse kisses the corner of his mouth, and Kochi’s eyes flutter shut. “It can mean whatever you want. No pressure.”

It’s like Jesse took away half of the heavy burden resting on Kochi’s shoulders. He finds it easier to breathe, easier to think. “Thank you,” he mouths before Jesse kisses him again.

The lights are still on when Kochi arrives at the apartment. Taiga and Hokuto are sitting by the couch, both wearing bathrobes. Kochi thinks he’s lucky that he got sidetracked before going home because who knows what he would have walked into if he did. (Like last year. He shudders thinking about it.)

“He lives!” Taiga exclaims, standing up. He looks worried. “Where have you been? I left you tons of messages! Hokku and I are supposed to get dressed and look for you—”

“I was with Jesse,” Kochi blurts out. When Taiga looks at him in confusion, he continues, “We’re gonna start dating.”

Taiga blinks, snapping his mouth shut. “Oh,” he says. His eyes start to widen, and then he clamps his mouth with his hands. “Wait, did you—”

Kochi feels his face growing warm. “Look, we just made out, it’s not what you—“

A squeal escapes from Taiga’s mouth as he tackles Kochi into a hug. “Oh my god, finally! I’m so proud of you!”

“Taiga,” Hokuto says, laughing. “Kochi’s suffocating. You better let him go or Jesse won’t be able to take him out on a date.”

“Sorry!” Taiga pulls away, and for some reason, his eyes are glassy. “This is a big thing, you know.”

Okay, now even Kochi feels a lump in his throat. “I’m still scared,” he admits.

“That’s okay.” Taiga reaches for Kochi’s hand and squeezes it. “We’re here for you.”

When Kochi wakes up the next morning, the first thing that pops in his mind that he kissed Jesse, and it wasn’t a dream.

There’s a message from Jesse on his phone, sent at an unholy hour in the morning when Kochi was already asleep. It was just a selfie of Jesse lying sideways on his bed with a smile on his face.

Kochi nevertheless smiles at the sight, almost falling off his bed.

Jesse shows up to the café during lunch time, the smile not quite reaching his eyes.

“You look tired,” Kochi says after accepting Jesse’s payment.

Jesse hums. “Just a particularly stressful day at work.”

“Good luck.” Kochi gives him a sympathetic look. His work isn’t as stressful as Jesse’s, but he’s learned enough from Taiga.

“Thanks, I’m gonna need it.” Jesse still looks completely dejected.

“Hey, you’ll do fine.” He leans closer, reaching for Jesse’s hand.

Jesse’s expression softens at those words.

An idea comes to mind. Kochi walks over to the food display. By the time he returns to Jesse, he hands him a small paper bag with a brownie.

“For good luck.”

Jesse raises his eyebrows. “For free?”

Kochi smiles and nods.

Jesse stares at him for a moment. He then quickly looks around to check if anyone’s watching, and before Kochi could figure out what he’s doing, Jesse leans over the counter and kisses Kochi on the cheek.

He doesn’t pull away immediately, and Kochi just kind of stands there, frozen in place with that familiar scent attacking his senses and his skin tingling everywhere.

“Thank you,” Jesse whispers into his ear, and it has Kochi shuddering. He looks a bit flushed when he pulls away.

Kochi is too damn fond for this. “Y-You’re welcome.”

Jesse breaks into a smile. “I’ll text you!”

Kochi manages only a half-assed wave in return, still shaken up by what just happened.

When he turns around, he sees Juri, Shintaro, Aiba, and Becky staring at him. “What?” he asks.

“Kochi Yugo,” Aiba says, trying to look like a scary boss but failing miserably. “You owe us an explanation.”

**Jesse:** hey!!! :)

**Jesse:** you free this weekend?

**Kochi:** Sorry, Taiga and I have a thing this weekend.

**Kochi:** Why?

**Jesse:** aww :(

**Jesse:** was planning to ask you out on a date

**Jesse:** i have a day off on wednesday but you have work so :(

**Kochi:** I can ask Juri to switch shifts on Wednesday if you want

**Jesse:** really????

**Jesse:** awesome!!! :D

**Jesse:** can i pick you up at 11??

**Kochi:** Yeah, sure

**Kochi:** But where are we going?

**Jesse:** lunch?

**Jesse:** walk in the park?

**Jesse:** unless you have ideas?

**Jesse:** i don’t mind!!

**Kochi:** Sounds fine to me :)

**Jesse:** ok ok

**Jesse:** see you!!!

Kochi holds his phone facedown against his chest, his heart fluttering. It’s cute how Jesse seems excited. He tries to prevent himself from imagining the ways this could all break down and fall apart. He has to keep himself to the present. He wants to hold onto his hopeful, swooping feeling in his chest for as long as he can.


	8. Chapter 8

By the time Tuesday night comes and Kochi comes home from the café, it dawns on him that he has no idea what he’s going to wear tomorrow. Jesse had asked if it would be okay for him to pick him up at the apartment, and Kochi said yes without thinking.

Just thinking about seeing Jesse tomorrow is making his hands shake. And all he’s doing is standing in front of his closet, fretting over his wardrobe.

A pile of discarded outfits sits on his mattress, and Kochi looks at it and the dwindling amount of clothes still hanging up in his closet.

He hears the front door open and close, and he waits for a few seconds. “Taiga?” he shouts from the safety of his bedroom.

“Yeah?” Taiga shouts back, his footsteps nearing Kochi’s door.

“Help,” Kochi says pathetically. He sits down on the edge of his mattress, next to his pile of clothes.

Taiga knocks and pushes the door open, poking his head in. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what to wear tomorrow,” Kochi explains. He gestures to his pile of clothes on the bed and those still hanging in the closet.

“Well, you’ve come to the right person.” Taiga steps inside and heads straight to Kochi’s closet, ransacking through the remaining clothes. Soon, he plucks out an aqua pearl button-down shirt. “You like this shirt,” Taiga reminds him, holding it out for Kochi to take, which he does. “Wear it with those jeans and shoes we bought last weekend.”

Kochi drapes the shirt over his front, still clutching the hanger. “Don’t you think it’s too safe?”

“It’s lunch and a stroll, there’s nothing wrong with being safe!” Taiga reasons. “I’m taking a shower. Try it on before shooting my idea down!” He then leaves, looking more excited about finding a date outfit with Kochi than Kochi is about it himself.

By the time Taiga returns from the shower, Kochi is sitting by the edge of his mattress, wearing the button-down shirt and jeans that comfortably hug his thighs. He has been fiddling with his sleeves for the past ten minutes, wondering if he should roll the sleeves to his elbow. Having them down and buttoned would make him look too uptight. But if he rolls them up, the scar traversing across his left forearm will be visible.

“You look really cute,” Taiga assures him. He reaches out to cuff the sleeves back up, just loosely. “That looks better.”

“You can still see it,” Kochi whispers.

“He’s gonna be looking at your face the whole day,” Taiga says, but he heads to the closet and plucks out another shirt. It’s long-sleeved, dark blue, and has vertical stripes. “If you’re uncomfortable, you can wear this one. Though I’d recommend it with white pants.”

Kochi smiles as he takes the shirt. “Thank you, I’ll wear this instead.”

Taiga clasps his hands together. “Now go get changed and I’ll let you know what I think.”

Kochi paces back and forth the apartment, resisting the urge to bite his nails. His gaze occasionally flits to the clock on the wall, the time getting closer to 11:00 am.

“Excited for your date?” Hokuto says, suddenly in the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee. He doesn’t have classes today, so he’s staying at home all day catching up on his readings.

“Excited?” Kochi repeats, stopping in his tracks. “Sure. Nervous? Definitely. Is it normal like you want to throw up before a date? I haven’t gone on a date in a really long time.”

“It’s totally normal,” Hokuto informs him. Of course, he has a better dating experience than Kochi would ever have. “And you look great.”

“Thanks,” Kochi mumbles behind flaming cheeks.

The doorbell rings and Hokuto saves him the panic by opening the door himself.

Jesse is standing by the doorway, smile bashful as he raises his hand to greet Hokuto. “Hey, Hokuto,” he greets. “I’m here to pick up Kochi.”

“Not so fast, not until you promise me he’ll be back home by—”

“What are you, my dad?” Kochi snorts, retrieving his bag on the couch and grabbing his coat before shooing Hokuto off. He faces Jesse and manages a smile. “Hey.”

Jesse beams. “Hi,” he says. “You look great today.”

The compliment unleashes a smile that Kochi can’t seem to hold back. His hands fly up to cover it, but he knows Jesse can still see it behind his fingers. “You look great, too,” he mumbles, embarrassed.

Jesse hovers a hand up near Kochi’s face, pauses, his eyes seeking Kochi’s for permission. “Can I?” he asks.

Kochi nods, even though he’s not entirely sure what Jesse is asking for.

Jesse’s fingers curl over Kochi’s hands, pushing them down from his face slowly. Kochi lets one of his hands drop while the other stays in Jesse’s grip, lowering until their fingers intertwine, and Jesse is stepping closer.

“That’s better. You have a really nice smile.”

Hokuto clears his throat from behind Kochi. “Yeah, can you stop with the PDA? Jesse, just remember I know my way around the criminal justice system, so if you hurt Kochi—”

“God, stop,” Kochi groans, his face growing warmer. “I’m going ahead, bye!”

“Hey, Kochi, you forgot to put on your shoes!”

_Right_. Kochi wants nothing more for the ground to swallow him whole as he lets Jesse back inside as he looks for his shoes.

He forgets about being embarrassed, though, when Jesse’s hand finds his once more as they head off.

“What’s this?” Kochi asks when Jesse pauses inside the restaurant. The exterior is unassuming, only showing a sign with the restaurant’s name.

When they enter, though, the interior is a different story. It’s like he had stepped inside a school with blackboards, tiny chairs, and world flags that take him back to his childhood.

Jesse’s hand tightens around his; Kochi realizes that they haven’t let go of each other since leaving the apartment. “I thought it would be fun if we went somewhere with a theme,” Jesse admits. “Do you hate it? I mean, I heard the food is good and the atmosphere is fun—”

“I love it.” Kochi interrupts Jesse’s nervous rambling, swinging their hands lightly. He really does. He and Taiga and Hokuto, and sometimes with Juri and Shintaro, often head to their usual favorite restaurant and they aren’t exactly adventurous with trying something new. Being in this restaurant feels refreshing. He grins at the way Jesse’s ears turn red.

Jesse exhales a sigh of relief and tugs Kochi by the hand as the waitress shows them to their table.

They’re brought to a table for two in the corner of the restaurant, and Kochi tries not to get flustered when Jesse lets go of their hands to pull the chair out for him to sit in. They’re given a menu that looks like an attendance book, and Kochi does feel like he’s thrown back in time.

They spend a good ten minutes figuring out what to order before finally calling the waitress. Once the waitress walks away, Jesse grins. He’s trying to make himself fit in the small school chairs, and it’s honestly adorable.

“You know the selling point of this restaurant?” he asks. “It’s free candy.”

He follows Jesse’s gaze to the side of the restaurant where there’s a shelf stocked with plastic baskets full of different kinds of candy. “Aren’t we gonna spoil our appetite when we eat candy first?”

“You’re right.” Jesse nods sagely. “Later, then.”

They’re so fascinated with the interior of the restaurant that they end up taking lots of photos. Kochi isn’t so willing at first, but Jesse eventually convinces him to take a couple of solo shots. Jesse, meanwhile, is a natural in front of the camera.

“If I wouldn’t have known your actual work, I’d have thought you were a model,” Kochi remarks, handing Jesse’s phone back as they return to their seats.

“I kinda did modeling when I was in high school.” Jesse’s smile is sheepish.

Kochi’s not surprised by the information, but he is curious. “Do you still do?”

“Nah, I like tinkering with stuff. Posing for hours? Not my type. But hey, I got a lot of people stuffing love letters in my locker.”

“Now you’re just showing off.”

“Is it working?”

Kochi rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t stifle the smile on his face.

Their food arrives, and they take another round of photos because the drinks were served in science kits like they’re about to finish an experiment for science class. They dig in eventually, and Kochi can confirm that the food is also worth the visit apart from the experience.

Once they’ve cleared their plates, Jesse skips to the free candy like an excited child, taking from every plastic basket. He looks like a happy grade-schooler when he returns to their table, his basket full. “We should try everything!”

“We’re gonna get sick from sweets,” Kochi laughs but takes a piece anyway. “Do you hog the candy when you were a kid?”

“Oh, god, no.” Jesse shakes his head. “If anything, people take candy from me.”

Kochi can’t imagine it. “Really?”

“Yeah, I got picked on a lot when I was a kid.” It sounds like a sad story, but Jesse picks out a piece of candy and pops it in his mouth like he’s talking about the weather. “I think it’s because I’m half and I looked different from everyone else. I didn’t want to be the one picked on for long, so I kinda created this personality where I was the class clown, and people stopped picking on me ever since.”

His heart wrenches just thinking of a grade-schooler Jesse being made fun of by his classmates. “So there’s a less funny version of Jesse,” he comments, coolly.

Jesse shrugs. “I mean, yeah, there’s a serious side, too, but I got used to my cheerful personality that it isn’t so bad.” He chuckles softly. “Hokuto and I became friends because he saw past my façade, you know.”

“Oh.” Kochi nods. Bless Hokuto, he supposes. “In high school?”

“Yeah. He was the shy kid in high school, and I was the first to approach him because, you know, it really sucks when you’re the new kid and didn’t have anyone to talk to. So we were that stereotypical smart dude-class clown duo. But we saw each other’s real selves and we helped each other out, so he’s really one of my few close friends.”

“I’m glad you have each other.” Kochi smiles. He, of all people, understand what it’s like to have amazing friends by his side. Like Taiga, who ran to his help even after all he had done—

“Okay.” Jesse leans against his seat, plucking another piece of candy from the basket. “But enough of me. What were you like as a grade-schooler, Kochi Yugo?”

Kochi hums, fumbling with the candy wrapper in his hands. “I hated school. I was always itching to go out of the classroom and play on the grounds. PE was my favorite subject.”

“Oh, wow.” Jesse looks genuinely amazed. “What sports do you play?”

“A bit of everything. I like football the most, though.”

“Do you still play?”

Kochi shakes his head. “I injured my leg, so I can’t play anymore. It’s cool. I found more outdoor hobbies, like camping and going on a drive.”

“You drive?”

“A motorcycle. But I haven’t had a chance lately because my bike is at home.” In truth, Kochi stopped driving a long time ago. Not since The Incident. Or … a year before that.

Jesse now has his chin tucked in his hand. “That’s so cool. You’re really interesting, huh, Kochi?”

Kochi’s brain just sort of short-circuits right then and there.

He had barely noticed the time until his phone beeps, reminding him of his appointment. He makes a little noise of sadness, and Jesse looks at him with concern.

“What’s wrong?”

Kochi pouts. “I’m sorry. I forgot I have this thing at four.”

“Oh? Should I call you a ride? I don’t want you to be late.”

“No.” Kochi shakes his head, though secretly pleased that Jesse would offer such a thing. “It’s walkable from here. Probably ten minutes. Plus, he wouldn’t care too much if I’m a bit late.”

Jesse raises his hand to get the bill. “He?” he asks absentmindedly.

Kochi chews on his bottom lip for letting that slip. Heart thudding in his chest, he explains, “My, uh, therapist.”

He waits with his heart in his throat for Jesse to react. Will he ask Kochi what’s wrong with him? Will he ask Kochi why he needs a therapist?

But Jesse just takes the bill when the waitress comes over with it and asks, “Can I walk you there?”

Kochi swallows to find his voice again as Jesse sets down a couple of bills on the tray. “Hey, wait—we can split it.”

“My treat this time because I invited you.” Jesse grins as he holds up the tray for the waitress to take.

“T-This time?” Kochi repeats quite dumbly.

“I mean …” Jesse’s face turns red. “I’m hoping this isn’t the only time we can go out like this …?”

“I’d—I’d like to see you again, too,” Kochi says, warm in his seat and in his skin. “Like, on a date.”

“Really?” Jesse’s eyes and smile widen.

“Yeah. I had fun. I’ll even let you walk me to my appointment.”

Jesse smiles, and Kochi mirrors him. He feels so giddy that he practically skips the whole way to Dr. Kato’s office, if not for Jesse’s hand on his keeping him on the ground.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for blood, injury, and abuse

After Jesse drops him off Dr. Kato’s office (and kisses him on the cheek before leaving), and after his appointment where he basically just gushes like an excited teenager, Kochi is determined for it to remain a good day. Instead of spacing out in front of the television, he tidies up the apartment (Hokuto is away, leaving Kochi a note saying he went to the library) and calls his father as he scans the fridge on what he can make for dinner.

His father answers after a couple of rings. “Son?” he greets.

He smiles. “Hey, Dad,” he greets. “Am I interrupting you?”

“Oh no, Yugo, you know I’ll drop whatever I’m doing when you call.” His father chuckles. “How are you?”

“Making dinner.”

“Yeah? What are you making?”

Kochi looks at the ingredients spread out on the kitchen counter. “The usual soup and nikujaga.”

“Ah, that’s great! Remember how your mother makes them?”

“It’s not gonna be just like hers, but I hope I get close.” Kochi chuckles as he starts his prep. “Hey, Dad? Can I ask for a favor?”

“Sure, son. Anything.”

“I think I still have my motorbike in the garage? Is there any chance I can have it sent here?”

There’s no missing the surprise in his father’s voice. “Oh? Why, yes, it’s still here. What do you need it for?”

“Nothing really important. It’s just … I haven’t driven it in a while, and I thought it’s about time I try it again.”

“I see.” His father sounds pleased. “I’ll check the garage and I’ll send it to the repair shop to see if there’s anything that needs fixing.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“I’m guessing you’re doing well? Your mother told me you’ve made a new friend.”

Kochi’s face grows warm. Jesse isn’t exactly a friend now, but he’s not sure if he’s ready to tell that much to his parents. He knows concern will take over before happiness. “Well, yeah. He’s nice. Funny, too. You’ll laugh at his jokes, Dad.”

“I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a compliment or an insult.” His father tries to sound stern, but he laughs anyway. “We miss you, son.”

Emotion overwhelms Kochi, and he clears his throat. “I miss you, too, Dad. I’ll try visiting sometime, okay?”

“Of course. At your own time and pace.”

He and his friends are on the beach. The setting is familiar—he and his family used to visit it during the summer. Kochi looks up toward the sun, letting his skin soak up the warmth of the rays.

They’re playing beach volleyball, and Kochi is teamed up with Jesse and Taiga. From the other side of the net, Juri jumps and sends the ball flying to an empty spot on their side. Luckily, Kochi is fast enough that he catches the ball and spikes it, sending it to the empty spot of the opponent’s side, earning them a point.

“Alright!” Jesse cheers, taking Kochi by his arms and kissing the top of his head.

“Kochi, you better get that ball!” Taiga says, interrupting their moment.

“Okay, okay!” Kochi waves as he runs past the net to look for the ball by the shore. Behind him, he hears children laughing and shrieking in joy. The sand is wet between his toes, gritty and cold. The temperature of the ocean is at odds with the searing heat on the beach. He bends down to grab the ball, but it is washed away by the wave, and he looks at his feet in confusion.

The shoreline has moved. Kochi steps forward again to reach for the ball, but it moves again.

He chases the ball and the receding shoreline for what feels like hours, never quite reaching both. When he feels goosebumps rising on his skin, he realizes that he has lost the sound of laughter from the people at the beach. He is now alone, and the wet sand stretches for miles around him in all directions.

“Hokuto? Taiga?” he cries out, and his shout is swallowed by the dead, still air. “Jesse? Shin? Juri?”

He’s alone, and the sand turns gray and cold. Shells prick at his feet. He picks a direction and starts running, hoping to come across a sign of life.

After what feels like hours, he falls to his knees, exhausted. He has left a trail of bloody footprints behind him, his throat raw after screaming everyone’s names.

There’s no one. He’s alone.

Until he isn’t when a pair of arms snakes around his shoulders, familiar, strong, and warm. They draw him close to a body, a sturdy chest, a strong, beating heart.

 _Jesse_. Kochi sighs in relief, reaching out to hold onto him.

It’s not Jesse who responds.

“Baby,” the man says in a voice that makes all of Kochi’s blood turn into ice. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Suddenly, one hand holds Kochi around the waist, while the other squeezes around Kochi’s neck.

Kochi wakes up on the floor of his bedroom, sheets tangled around his body. His jaw is clenched tight and his head is throbbing. For a moment, he thinks he’s still trapped in the boundless desert of sheet metal sand, and terror makes his heart jump up into his throat, choking him.

He struggles with the covers, kicking them off his legs. He manages to clamber up to his knees and slap his hand up against the nightstand, searching for the phone and the switch at the base of his bedside lamp.

The light flicks on, giving off a warm, golden glow that makes Kochi’s eyes burn like he’s staring directly into fire. He blinks to adjust to the brightness, counts quietly to slow his breathing as he props himself against his bed frame, and reminds himself of a few important things. He’s away from his hometown. He lives with Taiga and Hokuto. It’s been over two years, and no one from that part of his life is coming to look for him.

He hates these kinds of nightmares. These are worse than those that drop him straight into some hellish scene his subconscious creates for him, pieced together with bits of memories. He hates those slow, innocuous beginnings that leave him unprepared for the flare of panic and pain that always feel dreadfully fresh, no matter how many times he’s experienced it.

He looks at his phone in his hands, noting that it’s just past three in the morning. With a groan, Kochi shuts his eyes against the light, hearing his heart still beating rapidly in his ears, hearing the ocean roaring in them. He tries to picture Jesse, their volleyball game. Footprints in the sand.

“No,” Kochi says to the empty room, refusing to be pulled under. He gets up on slightly wobbly legs, throws his covers back onto his bed, and stalks over to the kitchen. He brews himself a cup of instant coffee, sits on the bean bag-slash-couch, and turns on the television, deciding to watch some mind-numbing Netflix show.

The second episode had just ended when the front door opens and Taiga walks through it, his blonde hair disheveled. Kochi vaguely remembers Hokuto telling him that morning that Taiga had an out-of-town shoot the whole day.

“Interesting time for binge-watching,” Taiga comments after slipping off his shoes and placing them neatly in the shoe rack by the door.

“It’s one of those days,” Kochi says as his gaze return to the screen.

Taiga stares at him for a moment longer before shrugging and turning away, heading to the kitchen. “I’m beat,” he says. “I’m gonna make some tea. Do you want?”

“Already had coffee.”

Taiga plops on the couch, a steaming mug of tea in his hands. They stay in comfortable silence, and Kochi can’t help but feel so incredibly grateful for Taiga. For his quiet support, for the space he gives him when he needs it.

“Taiga?” Kochi says when he’s had enough of the quiet. His friend grunts in response, eyes half-closed. “You don’t have to stay up with me, you know. You’ve had a tiring day.”

“Just need to finish my tea,” Taiga insists, his words slurred. “And shower.”

“Do that, then go to sleep. I’ll be fine. You need to rest.” Kochi sets his mug down the coffee table and gently takes Taiga’s mug from his hands as well. “Go.”

“Okay,” is all Taiga says. He pushes his bottom lip out into a cute pout, and Kochi points his finger in the direction of the bathroom. Begrudgingly, Taiga goes in the direction that Kochi pointing, and Kochi stands out to rinse out their mugs in the sink.

A minute later, after he hears the shower start to run, Kochi settles down onto the couch in the living room with a book, hoping that this could at least put him to sleep.

He wakes up to his phone buzzing on his chest. Somehow, he’s lying on the couch, the book has ended up on his cheek, and there’s a blanket haphazardly thrown over his legs. He feels a crick on his neck, and Kochi bemoans that he’ll have a hard time looking in any direction that isn’t right. He wipes the drool off his face and checks his phone with narrowed eyes.

It’s Jesse. Or rather, it’s a picture of him and Jesse, faces squished together as they took a selfie at the restaurant from yesterday’s date.

**Jesse:** of course i have to share this with you. had the best time yesterday! <3

Despite it being just past five in the morning, he grins at the message (and the heart emoji).

**Kochi:** I had a great time, too.

 **Jesse:** omg you’re awake! good morning!

 **Kochi:** Good morning. :) Thanks for sharing the pic. I really needed it.

 **Jesse:** needed it? hold on …

Kochi frowns at the strange message, confused by what Jesse means. It’s too early for puzzles. He barely slept at all, and that cup of coffee wasn’t enough.

He’s just about to respond when an image fills the screen.

It’s a selfie of Jesse.

**Jesse:** better?

Kochi rolls his eyes, but a chuckle escapes his lips as he slowly kicks the blanket off his legs into a crumpled pile at one end of the couch.

**Kochi:** A little.

 **Jesse:** just a little???

 **Jesse:** how do i make you feel better? :(

Kochi chews on his bottom lip to prevent himself from grinning further.

**Kochi:** You can stop by the café today.

 **Jesse:** i can do that :)

True to his word, Jesse shows up at the café toward the end of Kochi’s shift with a bouquet of flowers in his arms.

“For you.” Jesse grins, holding out the bouquet at Kochi when they reach the counter. Most of the blooms are varying shades of red and yellow.

Kochi beams as he takes the flowers, going red when Jesse smiles at him.

“I had the florist help me pick,” Jesse says apologetically.

“They’re perfect,” Kochi interjects before Jesse could say anything else and to ignore the pleasantly curious looks the remaining customers are giving him. “I love them. Thank you.” He brings the bouquet to his face, inhaling the sweet scent. “I don’t have a vase, though.”

“We have a couple of empty bottles we can use, Kochi!” Aiba yells from the staff room.

Kochi rolls his eyes, feeling his face grow warm. “Yeah, I’ll go …” He trails off, ignoring the kissy faces Juri and Shintaro were making as he enters the staff room.

Aiba already has the empty bottles ready, so Kochi fills them with water before adding in the flowers. He steps back to admire the work before returning to Jesse, who’s standing near the pick-up counter since there’s a customer in the queue.

When the customer leaves with her order and Shintaro turns the sign from Open to Closed, Kochi approaches Jesse. “I had a lot of fun yesterday,” Jesse says.

“I had a lot of fun, too,” Kochi says softly.

Jesse scratches the back of his head. “Hey, I know it’s too soon, but would you like to get dinner?”

Kochi doesn’t think there’s anything wrong about being asked out to dinner a day after going on a date. Besides, Hokuto texted him that he and Taiga are on their date night, so no one would be at home. But then …

“I still need to take the flowers home. Do you want to order takeout instead?”

Jesse blinks. “At your place?”

“It’s not like I’m gonna return the flowers to your apartment, Jesse.”

Jesse tilts his head in laughter, and Kochi’s heart flutters.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of past abuse

They order at a nearby Chinese restaurant, and Kochi insists on paying because Jesse paid for their date yesterday. Jesse carries the plastic bags full of fried rice and dim sum, while Kochi carries the bottles with flowers.

The walk almost feels like it took half an hour even though Kochi’s apartment is just ten minutes away. They chat about insignificant stuff, like the movies they should watch over dinner, some celebrity gossip, and Kochi’s excitement about using his motorbike again.

“We should go on a trip out of town,” Jesse suggests, pressing the elevator buttons for Kochi.

Kochi smiles at the thought. “Maybe our second date will be out of town?” he says before he could stop himself.

“Yeah?” Jesse looks like a puppy expecting a treat.

Not that Kochi minds his suggestion. He’s more of an outdoor person, anyway, and if he’s going to choose the date venue next time, it should be somewhere he’s comfortable with. “If I find a good place, I’ll let you know.”

Jesse beams, sending Kochi’s insides into somersaults.

As expected, there’s no one in the apartment when Kochi and Jesse arrive. There’s a note on the kitchen counter from Hokuto, telling him to make his own dinner or order takeout.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Kochi asks, placing the bottle vases on the dining table.

“Sure.” Jesse grins, moving to the living room and setting the plastic bags on the coffee table. “What movie, though?”

“I’ll figure it out.” Kochi opens the fridge and thanks the heavens there are two cans of beer inside, bringing them over to the living room.

Jesse has already seated on the couch, their food containers already set up on the table. Kochi had thought it might feel strange for Jesse to be here, in his space, and just the two of them, but it doesn’t feel weird at all.

He hands Jesse the can of beer, taking a seat to him on the couch. “Cheers,” he says.

“Cheers,” Jesse replies, beaming.

Their cans clink. Kochi watches the way Jesse’s throat works as he takes a small sip of beer.

They mindlessly watch some action film, and Kochi practically spaces out midway, when the movie comes less about the plot and more about the action scenes—explosions, chases, fights, and all that shebang. They’ve finished their dinner in between deciding what to watch, the empty food containers already cleaned up and strewn in the garbage bin.

A glance at Jesse shows that his companion isn’t into the movie anymore either, barely reacting when the villain blows up a random car.

Jesse suddenly shifts his body to face Kochi. He reaches out to put a hand on Kochi’s knee. Kochi’s breath catches. Jesse takes Kochi’s can of beer from his hands and puts it down onto the coffee table for him.

Kochi takes a breath and trails his hand up Jesse’s chest, feeling how it rises and falls with each breath under his palm. Jesse’s skin is so warm under his shirt, and Kochi licks his lips, watching Jesse’s pulse flickering at his throat. He sees how Jesse’s eyes flicker to his lips, to the motion of his tongue darting out to wet them. A lovely heat starts pooling in his belly.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

When Jesse nods, Kochi grasps a fistful of shirt in between his fingers, and leans in slowly, taking his time and savoring the way Jesse’s breaths fall against his skin. He catches Jesse’s lips in a chaste, sweet kiss. Pulling back, he watches the other’s face carefully, noting the way Jesse’s eyelashes flutter, the color in his cheeks, the way his eyes darken with desire.

They crash into each other, kissing again, this time harder and fuller. Jesse’s hands cup around Kochi’s face, holding him still as they push into each other.

“Kochi,” Jesse murmurs each time they kiss. “Kochi, Kochi, Kochi.”

It’s been so long since Kochi has been kissed like this, held like this, touched like this. He closes his eyes and lets himself get lost in the feeling of being cherished. Jesse holds him like he’s made of glass yet kisses him like he wants to bury himself inside of him. The contrast makes Kochi’s head swim, makes him kiss back, licking into Jesse’s mouth and gasping Jesse’s name.

He feels his back hit the armrest, and he whines against Jesse’s cheek. Jesse’s hand travels from gently cupping the nape of his neck to brushing over his shoulders, trailing down his side to rest against Kochi’s hip.

Kochi’s jolts against the feeling. His shirt has come untucked. Jesse’s hand travels lower, under his shirt, his thumb is brushing over the crest of Kochi’s hipbone, over his bare, naked skin, over his scar—

Kochi’s body panics, reacts by shoving Jesse away from him as quickly as possible.

Jesse stumbles back, eyes wide. Frozen in place.

Guilt, regret, and shame gather in Kochi’s gut as his mind catches up with what his body has done. His heart hammers inside of his chest, his breath coming in fast.

“Hey,” Jesse whispers, keeping his distance. “Are you okay?”

Kochi opens his mouth, but no voice comes out. He draws his knees up to his chest and tightens his fist over his heart. “I—” he manages to choke out. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? I’m the one who should apologize. I did something to make you uncomfortable—”

Kochi shakes his head, remember to let out a deep breath. “No, no you didn’t.”

“Kochi …” Is that disappointment he hears in Jesse’s voice. “Hey, I’m gonna get you a glass of water, okay?”

Kochi doesn’t respond. His body is in fight-or-flight mode, and apparently confused about which option to take. He counts to ten slowly, trying to recover control.

When Jesse comes back with a glass of water, his heart rate has slowed a bit, but and his chest still feels tight with disgust and anxiety. What did he think he was doing? Did he think he was good enough for Jesse? What would Jesse want with someone who can’t even stomach a bit of heavy petting while kissing?

“Kochi,” Jesse says, and Kochi can’t be sure how many times Jesse has repeated himself to cut through the noise in Kochi head, how much time has passed. He hates when he loses track like this.

When he looks at Jesse, all he thinks he can see in the younger one’s eyes is pity. God, that’s the worst. “Please drink some water,” Jesse says, holding the glass up for him.

Kochi takes it, swallows the cool liquid down, but it does nothing to loosen the tightness around his chest. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “I’m sorry, but I can’t—”

“I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable,” Jesse says.

“But _I_ kissed _you_ ,” Kochi says, not sure what point he’s trying to make.

Jesse shakes his head. “But that doesn’t mean there aren’t boundaries. I’m sorry if I crossed one for you. I really am. Do you …” He gulps. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“What?” Kochi’s head starts to spin. Nothing makes sense, and it’s happening really fast. His ears start buzzing, too. “Wait, what?”

“Kochi, look at me.”

Kochi does, and the world straightens itself, centering on Jesse. But his mouth in autopilot. “I think … you should go.”

Jesse’s mouth twists to an uptight line. “Are you sure? I could wait until Hokuto and Taiga arrive …”

“I’ll be fine,” Kochi says, and he will be. He doesn’t need pampering, and he doesn’t need pity. “Really, Jesse.”

Jesse sighs, and a tiny crack forms in the weak walls of Kochi’s heart. Kochi really thought this would work. He _wants_ it to work. But now he’s ruined it all. He can see it in the way Jesse’s face falls, the frown in his eyes. “Kochi …”

Kochi finally gains control back of his limbs and uses this control to push himself off the couch. He takes the glass and walks over to the kitchen, pouring himself another glass of water and taking a huge gulp.

Jesse is putting on his shoes at the entrance. He pauses outside the kitchen, the light making the skin on his face look pale. He looks weary, and Kochi knows it’s his fault.

“Kochi,” Jesse says, a pleading note in his voice. “I really, really like you.”

Kochi’s glass clatters to the sink.

Jesse continues. “So I’d really, really like to talk to you about this, okay? When you’re ready.”

The backs of Kochi’s eyes feel like they’re burning. He hears the front door opening, and calls out Jesse’s name, walking over to him. At the threshold, he pauses before the other man, and he reaches up with shaking hands to cup Jesse’s cheeks, gathering up all the courage and hope left in his body, which doesn't feel like much.

“I like you, too,” Kochi says, tiptoeing to kiss Jesse on the mouth. Just once, just quickly. “Thank you.”

Jesse’s lips brush over Kochi’s forehead. “Good night, Kochi,” he says.

“Good night,” Kochi manages as Jesse walks away.

A few minutes later, Taiga and Hokuto find him on the couch, sobbing.

“Kochi?” Taiga is by his side in a matter of seconds. “I could have sworn we saw Jesse on his way out of the building. Did he do something to you?”

“No.” Kochi swallows the hard lump forming in his throat as he shakes his head. “No, it’s not his fault. It’s me.”

“What?”

“Taiga.” His voice climbs up the more his speaks, distress clawing its way up. “I think I’m backsliding.”

Since high school, Taiga had this habit of eating a pint of ice cream when he had a shitty moment—A bad grade? Ice cream. Rejected by a guy he likes? Ice cream.

He does it so often that even Kochi has adopted the habit. Which is why he’s grateful when Hokuto returns from the convenience store at ten in the evening with three pints, one for each of them.

Taiga and Hokuto stay in Kochi’s room. Kochi listens to them talk about work and school and everything else but what happened that night.

It’s the comfortable silence that followed that Kochi thinks it’s safe for him to say his mind. That, and he’s finished the entire pint.

“I thought I was getting better,” he says.

Each word hurts, and a sob wells up and gurgles out of him suddenly. Crying doesn’t make him feel any better either. It puts more pressure on his ribs, on his lungs, the weight of his own grief suffocating him.

He feels Taiga wraps his arms around him, feels Taiga guide his face to the crook of his shoulder. “You _are_ getting better,” Taiga whispers into his ear.

“No,” Kochi cries. “I’m not. It’s too hard, Taiga. Every time I think I’ve made progress, something happens and I’m back to square one.”

“Hey, no, come on,” Hokuto says incredulously. Kochi feels the mattress creak, and the other side of his bed sinks. “You are _far_ from square one, Kochi.”

“No,” Kochi mutters weakly. He leans his head against Taiga’s shoulder. “I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it.”

“Do what?” Taiga asks softly, his hands brushing up and down Kochi’s back.

“Be with someone,” Kochi says, feeling a fresh wave of tears spilling out of him.

“Is this about Jesse?” Hokuto asks, hand running up and down Kochi’s arm.

Kochi’s breath shudders inside of him. Is this about Jesse? At first, it was. But the initial sting of Kochi’s panic at Jesse’s hands brushing over his skin has spread like poison, seeped into him, colored his blood.

It’s not just about Jesse; it’s about the years Kochi spent with that man, in that relationship, thinking if only Kochi was or smarter, or attractive, or could work his mouth in the ways the other wanted him to, then maybe he’d stop hurting him. Maybe he’d be worthy of love.

Maybe now that Kochi has left him he’ll never figure out if he’s worthy or not.

“No,” Kochi says in a small voice. “This is about me.”

He cries for a while longer against Taiga’s shoulder, and when he stops crying, he feels sick, all the cold dessert, sloshing around inside of his stomach.


	11. Chapter 11

Kochi wakes up with a pair of arms around his waist. He shifts to his side and ends up facing a sleeping Taiga, still wearing his clothes from his date the night before. His mouth is slightly open as he snores softly.

The sun is bright, and Kochi realizes he has slept in. It’s already nine in the morning, and he’s expecting missed calls and a ton of notifications. Instead, there’s only one message from Aiba.

**Aiba:** Hokuto told me you’re sick. Get some rest and I’ll see you when you get better! :D

He groans as he gets up, stretching and peeking through the windows. It’s a rather dreary day, the sky gray and cloudy. Kind of like a reflection of his mood after last night. He shakes his thoughts away and tiptoes to the kitchen to get some coffee.

Hokuto is sipping a steaming mug at the dining table when Kochi emerges from the bedroom. The world is unsteady under his feet, but he manages to pull up a chair and sit next to his friend. “You told Aiba I was sick?”

Hokuto nods. “I figured after last night, you could use some rest,” he says. “Taiga, too. He was pretty exhausted from the day-long shoot last Wednesday.”

“Thank you,” Kochi sighs. Honestly, after last night, he doesn’t feel in the mood to go to work.

“Coffee’s ready. Do you want me to get you some?”

“Please.”

Hokuto stands up and heads to the kitchen, humming a tune as he pours another cup of coffee. He returns and places the mug on a coaster before gently sliding it in Kochi’s direction.

Kochi sips the coffee, enjoying the warmth spreading to his body.

“Better?” Hokuto asks.

“Yeah,” Kochi replies, his voice scratchy. “A bit. I got in my head, that’s all.”

Hokuto hums, running his fingers through Kochi’s hair. Taiga may be the one always comforting Kochi, but Hokuto is a grounding presence in his own way.

“I like Jesse so much,” Kochi hiccups, feeling the tears again. “But I’m scared.”

“Scared of him?”

“No.” Kochi glares at Hokuto shakes his head. “Never.”

Hokuto chuckles, his fingers never pausing. “Then what?”

“What if it’s me?” Kochi asks. “What if people are normal when they get with me, and _I_ change them?”

Hokuto’s fingers still in Kochi’s hair, and he worries. Worries he got Hokuto upset or angry. Or worse. Maybe Hokuto figured out he has a point.

“Your ex abused you didn’t change into someone awful because of you, Kochi. He was a monster.”

Kochi has heard that a thousand times—from Taiga, from Dr. Kato, from his parents. One day, he thinks, that thought will stick until he learns to believe it, too.

“Kochi, look at me.” When Kochi looks, Hokuto’s eyes bore into him as if to hypnotize him. “I know you’re scared. But what happened to you was not your fault.”

Kochi nods. He knows it. He tells himself that all the time, but he’s yet to believe it. “What if, by the time I’m ready, he’s already moved on?”

“Go at your own pace,” Hokuto says. “If Jesse really likes you, he’ll respect that.”

“But I’m too much to handle,” Kochi whispers, his voice shaking.

“Let him decide that for himself. And you’re not too much to handle, Kochi. You’re sweet and kind and pay attention to the people around you.”

Kochi sniffs. “Really?”

Hokuto’s gaze intensifies, as if his sight alone could push Kochi into conviction. Kochi knows Hokuto would do anything for him. It’s the same for Kochi.

“Thank you,” Kochi sniffs.

“Of course.” Hokuto smiles, ruffling Kochi’s hair. “I know it’s hard sometimes to feel like you deserve it, but it’s okay to like someone and let yourself be happy, Kochi. You’re gonna be okay. And if not, you’ve got us. Always. Okay?”

Kochi’s chest fills with warmth. “You guys got me, too.”

“I know.” Hokuto’s smile widens. “Now go wash your face before Taiga thinks I made you cry.”

“Well, you kinda did.”

Hokuto scoffs, but the smile never leaves his face.

Trying to believe that he’ll be okay is one thing, but putting it into practice is another.

After much discussion with Taiga and Hokuto, Kochi has decided that he should tell Jesse about him, why he reacted that way that night.

But it’s been a few days, and Kochi is nowhere close to inviting Jesse over to talk.

After Friday, Jesse had sent him harmless messages, completely avoiding the incident, and Kochi replies like everything is normal. He hasn’t come to the café, though Taiga assured him that they’re particularly swamped with work until next week.

Which is why Kochi mentally sighs in relief when Jesse shows up at The Green Cup three days after the incident. There are dark circles on his eyes, though outshone by the smile on his face.

“Long time no see.” Kochi barely contains the smile on his face as Jesse approaches the counter. It’s a quiet day in the café, and he isn’t expecting it to get crowded any time soon.

“Yeah,” Jesse says. “Sorry, I was busy with work.”

“Taiga told me,” Kochi says, punching in Jesse’s usual order. “You free now?”

Jesse shrugs. “More or less. Though I have to take my order to go because I just need to wrap up stuff in the office.”

“Kochi!” Aiba walks out of the staff room, a tablet in hand. “What do you think of this? Cool design for your birthday cake, eh?”

Kochi groans, though he looks at the design on the tablet. “Aiba-san, I don’t need any designs for a cake. Just a simple greeting on the icing is fine.” He then shoos Aiba off, his boss giving him a thumbs-up in return.

“Birthday cake?” Jesse is still standing on the counter, blinking.

Kochi feels his face burn before handing the order slip to Shintaro, who prepares Jesse’s order. “Uh, yeah. My birthday is this Saturday. We have a party at the apartment. Everyone in the café is coming. Taiga and Hokuto, too, of course. I was actually planning to ask if you wanna come?”

Jesse’s expression softens. “Of course, I’ll come. Is a gift required?”

Kochi shakes his head, chuckling. “Nah, just you being there is enough.” Jesse opens his mouth, and he quickly counters, “Please don’t say ‘I _am_ the gift.’”

“Aww, you beat me to it!” Jesse pouts.

Kochi laughs, trying not to look so disappointed when Shintaro sets Jesse’s order on the counter and another customer arrives. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to work?”

Jesse sighs and nods. “Okay. I’ll text you?”

“Okay.”

Jesse smiles and gives him a wave before heading out.

It’s not what Kochi wants, but it’s better than nothing. At least for now.

Kochi is awakened that Saturday by Taiga and Hokuto singing and setting a tray of omurice with the words “Happy birthday” written on it with ketchup. His brain is still foggy from the sleep, but, well, today is a special day.

Taiga and Hokuto try to kick him out of the house as they prepare for the party, but Hokuto concedes because Taiga, despite his good intentions, cannot make a proper meal without burning something or almost cutting his fingers. By the time they’ve finished, it’s the early afternoon, giving them time to relax before the others arrive.

The doorbell rings at 4 p.m., and Aiba and Becky greet them, the former one holding a box of cake. Juri arrives with Shin, both of them bringing the drinks.

“He told me he’s coming,” Taiga interrupts Kochi’s trail of thought as they watch the rest set up the table. “Don’t worry.”

Hand it to Taiga to figure out what Kochi’s thinking. But just as he’s about to say something, the doorbell rings.

“Why don’t you go check it out who that is?” And before Kochi could react, Taiga pushes him gently toward the entryway.

A quick look at the peephole, and Kochi’s heart skips, fumbling through the door handle and flinging it open to reveal Jesse. A grin spreads to his face. “Happy birthday!” he greets, his voice echoing through the hallways.

Typically, Kochi would be embarrassed, but right now, he doesn’t care one bit. “Thank you,” he says, stepping to the side to let Jesse in. “And thanks for coming.”

“Hey, now, I wouldn’t miss it.” Jesse grins, interrupted by Hokuto giving him a one-armed hug in greeting.

Kochi isn’t much for celebrating his birthday. He enjoys being greeted and being spoiled senseless, and maybe getting the occasional gifts.

But he changed his mind two years ago. Being surrounded by the people he loves, celebrating another year, being _alive_ —there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

“Make a wish!” Hokuto tells him after the candles are lit and everyone has sung the birthday song.

He closes his eyes and thinks of what to wish for. The answer easily comes to mind as he blows the light from the candles.

By early evening, they start doing their own thing. Aiba and Becky have gone home early, while Shintaro, Juri, and Taiga are playing some sort of drinking game. Hokuto’s clearing the table, insisting that the birthday boy shouldn’t be doing any dirty work on his special day.

He spins around the kitchen hallway only to collide with Jesse. They both yelp, and Jesse’s hands find their way on Kochi’s arms.

“Woah, you okay there?” he asks.

“Y-Yeah!” Kochi’s face heats up as he steps back, regaining his balance. “Sorry!” Jesse is still holding on to his arms, and he bemoans the lack of warmth when Jesse withdraws his hands.

“Hey, it’s cool.” Jesse grins. He’s holding a paper basket that he could have sworn he was holding when he arrived. “Can I get you alone for, like, a couple of minutes?”

Kochi’s heart starts beating uncontrollably, but he nods. “U-Um … my room …”

He fumbles through the door handle but manages to let Jesse in. At least they have the privacy, the noises of Taiga, Shintaro, and Juri drowned out.

But then, this is also the first time Kochi and Jesse are alone since … well …

Jesse holds out the paper bag, his cheeks red. “I got this for you. Happy birthday.”

His heartbeat continues to go haywire, but he manages to take the bag, shuddering as their fingers brush. “You didn’t have to …” he says.

“I _want_ to.” Jesse smiles. “It was a last-minute thing, though, so don’t expect much …”

He pulls out the item from the paper bag. It’s a particularly large water bottle, yellow and made of stainless steel. It’s one of those stainless steel water bottles he had wanted to get when he was hiking with friends, but didn’t get the chance to since—

Panic sets in Jesse’s expression. “Well, you told me you’re an outdoors person, and you were thinking you wanted to go out sometime, and I just thought—”

Kochi sets the paper bag and the water bottle on the bed, tiptoeing to cup Jesse’s face and lean in for a quick kiss. “Thank you,” he says when he pulls away, and he really means it. “I love it.”

“Really?” Jesse looks surprised, but expectant.

He smiles, pulling Kochi closer. “I mean it,” he says, burying himself in Jesse’s chest. Jesse seems to hesitate, but his arms find his way around Kochi in a matter of seconds. “I missed you.”

Jesse sighs, burying his face on Kochi’s shoulder. “Me, too. I missed you, too.”

It’s only been a few days and they sound extremely dramatic, but Kochi doesn’t really care. He had enough time to think about what he feels and what he wants with Jesse. He just needs the courage to say them out loud, make them tangible.

There’s a knock on the door that forces them to pull away. Taiga’s head pokes in, his expression apologetic. “Sorry,” he says. “But Kochi, there’s someone here to see you.”

“Huh?” Kochi says.

Taiga grins. “Just go out and greet them. Trust me.”

“ _Them_?” Kochi asks, but he follows Taiga out anyway.

They’re sitting at the dining table, next to each other, the man fiddling with a box wrapped in colorful paper. Kochi’s heart soars, his pace quickening as he launches toward the couple, almost tackling them in a hug.

“Mom! Dad!”


	12. Chapter 12

His motorbike is parked in the basement of the apartment unit’s parking space. Kochi hadn’t touched it for more than two years, and he barely recognized it as the one he bought after painstakingly saving up for it the moment he landed a job. Still, the sight of it sends a rush of warmth throughout his body that he feels tears prickle his eyes.

“It’s as good as new now, Yugo,” his father tells him, chest puffed out. “The repair shop said it doesn’t need many repairs.”

“Do you like it?” his mother asks, squeezing his arm looped around hers.

Kochi gulps as he nods. “Thank you,” he says. “I’ll make sure to take care of it.”

“Yes, but make sure to take care of yourself, too.” His father chuckles, patting him on the shoulder.

“I’m doing my best.”

“That’s good to hear.” Another pat on the shoulder. “So, when are you planning to take that out for a test ride?”

Kochi remembers making a promise to Jesse about an outdoor date. “Well …” It’s a conversation he doesn’t want to start with his parents. “I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll give it a drive over the weekend.”

“Good.” His mother smiles. “Say, that tall, young man with you. Is he the new friend you told me about?”

He does his best not to blush, so he nods. “Jesse,” he replies.

Unfortunately, there’s no going past her mother as realization hits her expression. But, fortunately, she doesn’t say anything about it, changing the topic.

  
  


His parents are set to leave in the late afternoon, so Kochi promised to have lunch with them before dropping them off the train station. Still, he has to take the Sunday shift, which he doesn’t mind because it isn’t a particularly busy day.

“You’re in a good mood today.”

Kochi blinks, realizing that he’s still manned at the bar, waiting for the next batch of orders to prepare. Meanwhile, Jesse is in front of him, grinning. “Oh,” he says, stepping slightly backwards. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Well, Juri took my order, I said hi, but you’ve been grinning like an idiot there for the past two minutes or so.” Jesse chuckles.

He feels his face grow warm, but he shrugs it off. “My parents are coming over. Then we’re gonna have lunch somewhere.”

“Oh, right, they’re leaving later, right?” Jesse nods. “They seem nice. Their son definitely takes after them.”

“Now you’re just being a flatterer.” Kochi chuckles, shoving Jesse lightly on the shoulder.

“But what if I’m telling the truth?” Jesse leans forward, elbows on the counter as he tucks his chin on his hands, batting his eyelashes.

Kochi rolls his eyes, his cheeks growing warm. The chimes ring and Kochi turns around to greet the customers, only for his eyes to widen. “Mom! Dad!”

His parents look around The Green Cup, fascinated by the interior. His mother waves to someone from inside the staff room, which he assumes to be Aiba, while his father approaches him on the counter. “Hello, son. Ready to go?”

“Just give me a minute, Dad.” Kochi grins. Then, noticing Jesse standing back upright and straightening his posture, he says, “D-Dad, this is Jesse. You met him at the party yesterday.”

“Oh, yes, the one with the funny jokes.” His father holds out his hand. “Good to see you again, Jesse. And thank you for taking care of Yugo.”

“G-G-Good to see you again, M-Mr. Kochi.” Jesse is unusually nervous as he shakes Kochi’s father’s hand. It’s an adorable sight, to be honest.

“Is that one of Yugo’s friends?” His mother is now by his father’s side. “Oh, hello! Jesse, isn’t it? Why don’t you come join us for lunch?”

“What?” Jesse and Kochi exclaim at the same time. Kochi can feel the eyes of their customers—and maybe Juri and Shintaro—on them.

His mother looks the least bit bothered at the attention she had just attracted. “Don’t worry, we’re paying for the meal. Besides, we’d love to get to know Yugo’s new friend. What do you say?”

“Well …” Jesse glances at Kochi. “If Ko—um, I mean, Yugo doesn’t mind …”

Kochi could feel his brain short-circuit at Jesse’s use of his first name. Then, he thinks of things that could go wrong. His parents might not like Jesse not as a friend as a potential to be something more. And added to the fact that they haven’t talked about the incident, some drama with the parents won’t help—

But another part of him says that he wouldn’t know until he tries.

Kochi smiles. “Sure. I don’t mind.”

  
  


Kochi chose an Italian restaurant near the hotel where his parents are staying. The lights are dim, yet the atmosphere is warm as they settle into their seats.

Jesse has been fumbling his fingers, unusually quiet and jittery, though Kochi understands why. Fortunately, he’s sitting beside Jesse, giving him lots of chances to pat Jesse reassuringly on the knee to help him calm down.

It works by the time the food was served. Kochi’s father is laughing again at Jesse’s lame jokes, and his mother is practically charmed.

(Kochi hates to compare, but his parents hadn’t had the same reaction when he introduced his ex.)

They have a moment to themselves when Jesse excuses himself at the end of the meal so that Kochi can have more time with his parents, and Kochi insists that he see him off. They step outside the restaurant, Jesse reaching for his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Do you think they like me?” Jesse asks, his gaze on their intertwined fingers.

“Of course, they do,” Kochi says, and he means it. “Mom can’t stop talking to you, and she does that when she likes someone.”

Jesse’s shoulders relax. “That’s good to hear.”

Kochi doesn’t want this to end, having Jesse close, because he knows he should address the elephant in the room, and whatever he’ll say might lead to either something good or bad. “Remember …” he starts, gathering his thoughts. “Remember when I said we should go on an outdoor date?”

“Yeah.” Jesse’s thumb starts circling on the patch of skin in Kochi’s thumb. “You got that motorbike now, right?”

Kochi meets Jesse’s eye, heart beating quickly. “Do you wanna go next weekend?”

Jesse’s smile widens. “Yeah, of course.”

“Okay.” Kochi mirrors his grin. “I’m gonna look for a place, okay?”

“Sure.” Jesse kisses the top of his head. “Just text me.” He then lets go of Kochi’s hand, quite reluctantly, before waving and walking away to the other direction.

  
  


There’s still time before they head to the station, so Kochi is dragged by his parents to their hotel room. Their luggage is already packed, the room already swept clean by room service. However, there is a box by the vanity.

“Some stuff from home,” his mother answers before he could ask.

Kochi opens the box and makes a sound of surprise. Some of them are albums, other trinkets and some books. Warmth fills his body as he remembers some of the good times in his hometown. “Thank you.”

His mother settles on the edge of the mattress while his father enters the bathroom. She’s wringing her hands, a sign she wants to say something but doesn’t know how she should express it.

“Everything okay, Mom?” he asks, sitting beside her. He takes her hand, to reassure.

She smiles at the gesture. “That Jesse boy,” she begins, “you like him, don’t you?”

Nothing gets past her, definitely. Kochi would have changed the topic, but he stops himself before he could do so. It’s his reluctance to tell the truth that partly contributed to the mess two years ago. He nods.

“He’s nice, and I have a good feeling about him,” his mother says. “And it’s clear he likes you, too.”

His face burn and his gaze falls to his socks. “I’m just scared, that’s all,” he admits.

“Oh, sweetie.” Her arms wrap around him, and he feels like he’s a child again, being comforted after a nightmare. “I know. But you never know what happens until you take the plunge.”

“I know.” Kochi knows that, has known that for a long time. But it doesn’t mean he’d apply it right away. Every day is a tug of war between following everyone’s advice and taking a step back out of fear.

But Kochi wants to get out of that fear and start living— _ loving _ —again. So every day he tries and tries, even if he slips midway.

“I’m gonna ask him out on a date next weekend,” he says when his mother pulls away.

His mother beams. “Tell me all about it when it’s done.”

He smiles before hugging her. “I’ll call you first thing.”

  
  


Kochi would have wanted to go on a hike the moment he got his motorbike, but he doesn’t know if Jesse would be willing, so he decides to start small.

At least Jesse seemed comfortable on the motorbike. He’s a little clumsy as he clambers up the bike, but Kochi forgives him, when Jesse leans forward on his back and clutches his waist as he starts the engine.

He takes Jesse to a nearby beach, bringing with him a mat and some snacks they bought in a nearby convenience store. All they did was sit by the sand, talk about everything and nothing, enjoying the cold wind breezing past them.

And even it’s just an ordinary date, Kochi is having the time of his life.

After a while, they decide to take a walk along the beach. Their shoulders bump from time to time, and Kochi’s gaze switches from the water to Jesse, who’s focused on the view before them.

Now should be the perfect time to say something, so he takes a deep breath.

“I need to tell you something,” he says, pausing in his tracks.

Jesse stops and faces him, confusion in his expression.

“If we’re gonna—if this is gonna—” He breaks off, the words caught in his throat. He’s never made it this far with someone before. He’s never wanted this badly. To be with Jesse.

“Work?” Jesse finishes for him.

Kochi nods. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. He closes it again, getting more frustrated as seconds pass and his voice refuses to cooperate.

Jesse takes Kochi’s hands in his. “Take your time,” he says, his voice as soft as feathers.

Kochi takes another breath to steady himself, pushes the anxiety forming a knot in his lungs. He remembers how his mother had reacted when he told her the truth. That moment he could see in her eyes, hear in her tone, where she blamed him for ending up in the hospital. That had almost hurt more than anything his ex had ever done to him.

“So,” he starts, feeling Jesse’s fixed attention on him nerve-wracking yet flattering. He can’t look him in the eyes. He looks at their linked hands instead. “I had a really great time on our first date. And that dinner in the apartment … I was really happy you wanted to stay with me.”

He pauses, gathering his thoughts, and Jesse waits, as patient as ever.

“When we kissed … I really,  _ really _ liked it.” His cheeks heat up. “But it went further and I-I got scared. I didn’t think I would. I didn’t mean t-to lead you on, if that’s what you were thinking.”

“No, you didn’t!” Jesse says, eyes widening. “Sorry,” he adds, a sign for Kochi to continue.

“You see … I lied when I said I haven’t been in a relationship before. I used to be with someone for a really long time, but … he hurt me. A lot. I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me, too. But he put me through a lot. That’s actually … the reason why I’m going to therapy. It’s been two years since the relationship ended, but I’m still—I’m still trying to heal.”

He searches Jesse’s expression for any hint of disappointment or disgust. But there’s only concern and worry and warmth, loosening the knots of anxiety inside him. The rest of Kochi’s walls crumble down around him.

“Sorry,” Kochi whimpers as his vision blurs, tears trickling down his cheeks. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I got you.” Jesse closes the distance between them with a single step. “Can I hold you?”

“Yes, please,” Kochi whimpers. Jesse’s gentle arms around him overwhelms him, making the tears come harder. “Sorry,” he mumbles as he buries his face on Jesse’s chest.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything,” Jesse whispers, rubbing his hand up and down Kochi’s back.

“If you don’t want to see me again, I’ll understand.”

“ _ No way _ ,” Jesse gasps, aghast, as he pulls Kochi closer. “Of course I still want to see you.”

“Really?”

Jesse pulls back, and Kochi almost bemoans at the loss. He curls his fingers into Jesse’s shirt. “Kochi,” he says, “I meant it when I said that night that I like you and I wanted to talk about what happened. And if you’d let me, I’ll take you out again. And again, and again.”

Jesse’s face is earnest, eyes glistening. Had he been holding back tears? He reaches up a hand to cup Jesse’s cheek, sighing when Jesse responds by leaning into hard. “I’m warning you,” he says. “You need a lot of patience with me. I have a lot of baggage.”

“You’re in luck.” Jesse grins. “With my tall stature and broad figure, I can handle all the baggage.”

Laughing feels good. It breaks up the wall of sadness still lingering inside of Kochi into manageable pieces. “You’re ridiculous,” Kochi says despite being charmed. “You and your dumb jokes.”

“You like my dumb jokes.”

“Unfortunately, I do.”

Jesse smiles, like the warmth of the spring sun; his kiss, like the golden burst of summer.


	13. Chapter 13

“You told him what?” Taiga asks from where he’s lying comfortably on the couch.

It’s Sunday morning, and it’s their rest day, meaning no one catches up with work, especially in Taiga and Hokuto’s case. Hokuto is already doing an amazing job of sleeping in, but that meant Kochi had to make brunch.

Kochi had given up on Taiga helping, but he’s too lazy to whip up something luxurious (as far as their common budget can allow them), so he settles for pancakes and sausages. “I told Jesse,” he repeats, setting the pan on the sink once the last of the pancakes is on the plate.

Taiga stands up and practically sprints to the kitchen counter, uncharacteristic of him when he’s usually sluggish on a Sunday. “Like, everything?”

“Not everything,” Kochi says slowly. He turns on the tap to fill the pan with water, then sets the plate of pancakes on the dining table. “I didn’t want to scare him off …”

“If he ran away after you told him as much, I would have punched him in the face.”

“Taiga!” Kochi flicks one of the rags at him. His throw was flimsy, and the rag ends up just at the edge of Taiga’s side of the counter.

“Sorry, sorry!” Taiga giggles, slipping to his usual side of the dining table. “So, what did he say?”

It was more than what Jesse had said. Rather, it was what he did after Kochi laid out his heart. They stayed by the shores of the beach until Kochi had clamed down, kissed Kochi’s forehead when he shook against him. Just being there, in the peacefulness of the beach, existing with Jesse in those long minutes (or was it hours?), made Kochi’s heart feel a kind of peace he ever associated with happy, precious memories, like playing football with his classmates, camping with his father, hanging out with Taiga.

Taiga makes a noise that sounds like static crackling between his teeth, enough to send Kochi out of his reverie. “Hello? Earth to Kochi? How are conditions up there in the moon?”

“Shut up,” Kochi mumbles.

Taiga laughs. “So what did he say?” he asks again.

“He said I didn’t have to apologize for anything—” Kochi notices how Taiga’s eyes light up, smiling so widely—“and that he still wants to see me. And that—” He stops, feeling his ears and cheeks heating up.

“What?”

“He said he likes me a lot.”

Taiga shrieks, flinging himself up to hug Kochi. Fortunately the pancakes are well-settled on the dining room table, otherwise Kochi would have to make a fresh batch of pancakes.

“I just—wow.” Taiga pulls away, eyes still wide and still smiling. “That’s so amazing.”

Kochi shrugs. “Really?”

“Really! It took, like, six months for Hokku to come near saying the L word to me.”

“He just wants to make it count each time.”

“For all Jesse’s boisterousness, he’s so pure and sweet sometimes, it astonishes me.” Taiga beams. “Seriously, I think he’s great. Are you going out again?”

“On Sunday, I think.”

“Look at you. Going on consistent dates.” Taiga hugs him again. “I’m proud of you, Kochi.”

Kochi doesn’t think it’s anything to be proud of. It’s completely normal behavior, going on consistent dates with a person he likes and who likes him back.

But honestly, these past few years have been the most normal Kochi has ever experienced. And he’s happy for it. The happiest.

Jesse’s apartment is a twenty-minute walk from the café, the same building where most of his and Taiga’s co-workers live. The apartment unit is spacious and comfortable enough for one person, even giving Jesse ample space for a long work desk.

“Make yourself at home,” Jesse says, taking Kochi’s coat and gesturing at the small couch.

Kochi’s gaze remains fixed on the work desk. “What _do_ you do here?” he asks.

“That?” Jesse grins. “Well, I like making stuff, so I need a big space for my tools and stuff.”

Kochi remembers Jesse likes tinkering with things, but he had never seen any of his works. “What kind of stuff?” he asks. Instead of sitting on the couch, he sits on the chair by the work desk.

“Mostly figurines? Some of them I give to friends and family. Sometimes I’m just bored and do random figurines of anime characters.”

“Can I see?”

Jesse approaches him, carrying two glasses of water. He grins as he sets down the glasses on the desk before opening a cabinet next to it. “Come see.”

In the cabinet are several figurines lined up, some of who he recognizes from popular anime shows. Jesse points at certain figurines, introducing them as inspired by a family member, a high school classmate, a co-worker. He laughs when he recognizes a figurine of Taiga and Hokuto.

“You should give this to them as a gift or something,” Kochi points out.

“You think so?” Jesse asks.

“Yeah, they’d love it.”

“Maybe on Hokuto’s birthday.” Jesse leans into him, then pauses, as if reconsidering.

Kochi knows that Jesse is just being careful with him, aware of Kochi’s space, and he appreciates his thoughtfulness. But he wants Jesse to touch him, too. He shifts closer so that their hips are brushing. “Jesse?”

Jesse looks straight at him, still hesitant. “Yeah?”

He takes a deep breath. “Please don’t be scared of touching me.”

Jesse tenses for a few seconds before his arms go loose around his shoulders. “I’m not. I just don’t wanna do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

Kochi nods, turning Jesse so that he’s leaning against his chest. “Just go slow,” he says “Just ask me, if you’re not sure.”

“Okay.” Jesse smiles so lovingly that it makes Kochi’s chest bloom. “So … can I kiss you here?” Jesse brushes his fingers over Kochi’s forehead.

Kochi’s breath hitches at how so simple a touch sends electricity down his spine. “Yeah.”

Jesse’s lips brush against his forehead, so soft and smooth “Here?” he murmurs, thumb stroking his cheek.

Kochi nods, closing his eyes to savor the way Jesse’s hands cup his face, turning him slightly so that Jesse could place a short but sweet kiss on each of his cheeks.

“Here,” he says, pursing his lips.

Jesse chuckles, and they’re kissing slowly, lazily. Kochi sighs against Jesse’s lips and Jesse presses them together until there’s no space left between their bodies.

Kochi stumbles when Jesse moves to press him against the work desk, the edge digging into Kochi’s spine from the impact. He flinches, and Jesse pulls away immediately, breathing heavily against Kochi’s lips.

“Shit, babe, I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Kochi sucks in a breath, his hand in Jesse’s hair (when did that get there?) tightening.

_Babe._

“I’m fine” he replies, a whine almost escaping his throat because Jesse calling him that feels so strange, but better than it should.

Jesse nods, leaning closer gain to peck Kochi’s lips. “Are you hurt?”

Kochi shakes his head, his chuckle almost breathless. “I’ll survive, Jesse.”

Jesse smiles and looks at him in a way no one has ever looked at Kochi before; it has Kochi’s neck prickling, his skin flushing. He presses another kiss against Kochi’s lips, and then to the corner of them, moving to Kochi’s jaw where he starts pressing kiss after kiss into Kochi’s skin.

Kochi’s eyes flutter shut, a new kind of warmth pooling in his limbs. “Jesse …” Kochi breathing out his name is enough for Jesse to lean up and kiss his lips again, and Kochi doesn’t really know what happens, but Jesse licking into his mouth and his hands gripping Kochi’s hips suddenly make him feel so—

Hands make their way on his thighs, and Kochi yelps as he’s lifted up and made to sit on the table. Kochi parts his legs slightly so that Jesse can fit against him tighter, closer, hotter. He clutches at the fabric of Jesse’s shirt across his back, breathing in deep when Jesse mouths at Kochi’s pulse and then trails kisses over his skin, traveling down his body.

Cool air hits Kochi’s exposed collarbones as Jesse pulls at the neck of Kochi’s shirt to reveal more skin. His mouth is so warm, his tongue so soft and wet. Just when Kochi’s knees begin to tremble, Jesse pulls back, his thumb rubbing small circles on Kochi’s hips. Kochi opens his eyes to see a frown on Jesse’s face.

“Hey … what happened here?” Jesse asks quietly. He raises a hand and brushes his fingers over the rough skin of Kochi’s scars streaking the dip between his neck and shoulder.

The panic that settles is immediate. Kochi drags his shirt back up to cover his skin and folds his arms across his chest, shielding himself from Jesse’s worried eyes. “An accident,” he whispers, his answer practically a reflex.

“It … doesn’t really look like an accident,” Jesse says.

Kochi feels like a bucket of ice has been dumped over his head.

It hadn’t been an accident but an awful, intentional act of violence. It’s something he and Dr. Kato have talked about a lot during his first few months of therapy—his scars, how he got them, what role he played (and most importantly, didn’t play), and what they mean to him now. He had tried to hide them with cream and makeup, and he even thought of cosmetic surgery to make everything go away. Seeing them every day reminds him of the darkest periods of his life.

His hand inches up to cover his neck as he swallows the lump in his throat. “Sorry,” he croaks. “It wasn’t an accident. And I didn’t do this myself.”

Jesse’s eyes widen, as if understanding. “Oh. Kochi, no.”

“My ex beat me up a lot.” The admission makes the knots around his stomach loosen. Jesse says nothing, just moves to kiss Kochi on the forehead, his hands finding his way on Kochi’s waist again. “I have scars everywhere.”

Jesse leans forward and breathes against Kochi’s skin, cloaking him with warmth. “I’ll kiss all of them, if you’ll let me.”

Kochi slowly lets his guard down, wrapping his arms around Jesse’s middle. His chest bursts with warmth. He lays his head on Jesse’s shoulder and sighs. “Maybe I’ll let you.”

He wakes up to warmth and security, arms wrapped around his waist. Light dances behind his closed eyelids, and he makes a small sound of protest. When he hears a grunt in reply, he turns to his side, opening his eyes to be greeted by Jesse’s sleeping face. Kochi drags his hand up until their fingers are intertwined, wrapping Jesse’s arm more tightly around him.

“Are you awake?” Kochi asks.

Jesse’s forehead furrows, his eyes still closed. “Shh …”

Kochi chuckles, taking in the surroundings around him. He’s greeted by the cream walls of Jesse’s room, as well as the slivered of sunlight beaming through the room from the slit in the curtains. Groaning, he buries himself in Jesse’s embrace.

Thinking about last night makes Kochi smile against Jesse’s skin. It had been a while since he had opened up to someone about his past, and the fact that Jesse accepted it all with no judgment, only warmth and affection, makes his toes curl.

“What are you smiling about?” Jesse asks, wrapping his arms tighter around Kochi’s waist.

“How’d you know I’m smiling?”

“I can feel your lips moving,” Jesse whispers. “Even though they should be up here, kissing me.”

“You’re not awake yet,” Kochi teases.

Jesse opens his eyes, his smile like sunbeams. “Better?”

Kochi laughs quietly, pressing his lips against Jesse’s. “Better.”

“Good.” Jesse kisses back.

Kochi gasps softly against Jesse’s lips and presses forward, deepening their kiss. He feels Jesse’s hands travelling slowly across the small of his back, over his hips, sneaking under the hem of his shirt. _Jesse’s shirt_ , he might add, too big for him but nevertheless warm.

“That’s good,” Kochi whispers, slipping his knee in between Jesse’s legs. It’s so warm under the covers, and the heat builds quickly. “Keep going?”

“As far as last night?” Jesse asks.

Kochi nods, heart skipping. “Yeah,” he says before leaning forward to kiss Jesse again, and again, and again.


	14. Chapter 14

The weather has grown warmer, and the next thing Kochi knows, spring has given way to summer. Aiba cranks up the air conditioner at The Green Cup and they start offering their seasonal shaved ice in addition to their usual menu.

June also meant that three special people in his life will be celebrating their birthdays—Jesse, Juri, and Hokuto. They decide to throw one joint party instead of three separate ones, and Aiba volunteered to keep The Green Cup open for them for that occasion.

The celebration isn’t anything fancy. It’s just their group of friends—plus Aiba and Becky—gathered around the café tables full of food, at the center of it a cake made by Becky for the occasion. Shintaro takes charge of the music, and they spend the rest of the night eating, chatting, and drinking before the birthday celebrants blow the candles on the cake.

They then give each other’s gifts, everyone else amazed at the figurines Jesse made for each of them. Aiba asks if Jesse could make figurines for him and Becky, and Jesse is more than willing to agree.

By the time they’re cleaning up, Jesse pulls him aside and gives him a gift bag. “For you,” he says.

“It’s not my birthday, though?” Kochi chuckles, taking the gift anyway. He makes a sound of surprise as he pulls out the item, a figurine version of himself. “This is adorable!”

“Really?” Jesse asks hopefully.

Kochi chuckles, going on his tiptoes to peck Jesse’s cheeks. “Really. I love it. Thank you.”

“Hey, lovebirds!” Taiga yells. “Come up here for a group picture!”

Kochi rolls his eyes but takes Jesse’s hand to drag him to where everyone is gathered. All the birthday celebrants are at the center of the picture, but Kochi can’t resist wrapping his arms around Jesse as Shintaro sets up the camera.

“Smile, everyone!” Aiba says before the timer hits zero. “Smile like it’s the best day of your life!”

And, well, Kochi thinks he’s had the best few months, and he makes sure it shows in the photo.

Not all mornings are the same. Some days, Kochi wakes up just fine. Other times, he wakes up with a huge weight sitting on top of his chest, crushing his shoulders.

Sometimes, he’s with Jesse, and Jesse is willing to wake up to smooth a hand down Kochi’s back and whisper reassurances into his ear.

“Go back to sleep,” Kochi would always say.

“Not until you fall asleep first.” Jesse’s smile always lights up the dark room.

And Kochi would just nod, eventually falling asleep with Jesse’s arms around him.

“It was so embarrassing! The date was so fancy, but then I stood up, knocked into our waiter, and there was wine everywhere!”

Juri laughs as Shintaro leans over the counter on his elbows, head hanging in misery.

“It looked like I murdered someone,” Shintaro says miserably.

Juri laughs harder, and Kochi, squashed into a seat at the table in the corner of the café, tries not to listen in too much on their conversation as he looks at the budget spreadsheet Aiba is asking him to double-check.

“But we still went back to her place for ice cream, so I guess it was a success!”

“But, Shin, that fancy restaurant thing isn’t you. The girl will see you’re trying to impress her, but you gotta have fun, too.”

“Yeah, I know. I learned my lesson.”

Kochi lets their conversation fade into the background as he works. He and Aiba have been talking more about giving him more responsibilities than just managing the counter. There are also talks about expanding the café, hiring more staff, booking out the space for events, and maybe expanding the menu.

“Hey, you.”

Kochi looks up, and Jesse greets him with a kiss. He blushes, and Jesse grins, sliding his thumb down the side of Kochi’s face in a caress before taking the seat opposite him.

“Hey,” Kochi whispers with a smile. He extends his leg from under the table until their ankles cross.

“Coming over later?” Jesse asks.

“Yup.” Kochi nods. He doesn’t worry too much about sleeping over these days. He’s got a couple of clothes in Jesse’s closet and some extra toiletries.

(“You’re almost on the way to moving in with him soon~” Taiga had practically sing-songed.

Kochi and Jesse had only been officially dating for three months. So maybe he’ll save that for a future conversation.)

They fall into a comfortable silence. Kochi works on his spreadsheets, while Jesse scrolls through his phone. Sometime later, Juri stops by with their usual orders, and Jesse takes these from him gratefully.

“Jesse?”

Jesse looks up from his phone. “Yeah, babe?”

The pet name still sends fuzzy feelings, and it would take some getting used to for it to sink in. He bites his bottom lip, trying not to smile so widely. “I’ve been thinking about something.”

“Yeah?” Jesse straightens in his seat, brows furrowed.

“Nothing bad,” Kochi says quickly.

“What is it?”

Kochi steadies himself with a deep breath, though he feels his smile shows his uncertainty. “I’m planning to go home next month.” A pause, then Jesse nods for him to continue. “I wanted to see if you can come with me? I know it’s been only a few months. I know it might feel fast, but … I’m pretty sure about this.”

“About this?” Jesse’s voice is the tiniest he has ever heard.

Kochi reaches out for Jesse’s hand and holds on, feeling like he might float away if he didn’t. “About _us_ ,” he says, squeezing his hand. “Please think about it.”

Jesse nods dumbly.

“Yes,” he would say later, as they fall into bed, twisted into the sheets together.

_One year later …_

“I can’t do this.”

“Of course, you can, Hokuto, you’ve totally got this.” Jesse rubs his shoulders as if to reassure, but it’s more like he’s giving Hokuto a rather painful massage.

Hokuto shakes his head, his face pale. His right hand fumbles too many times in his pants pocket. “Maybe it’s too soon? I’ve just graduated and I’m still starting in my new job, and maybe we can wait?”

Kochi chuckles and shakes his head. He subtly looks over his shoulder to find Taiga across the room, chatting with some of Hokuto’s classmates from law school. The graduation party is in full swing, but Hokuto looks like he wants to throw up and run away. Totally understandable, given what he’s about to do.

“Hokuto, look.” Jesse grabs Hokuto by the shoulders and turns him so that they’re face to face. “You guys love each other. Give yourself a little faith in that, okay?”

Hokuto gulps, but he straightens his posture and his tie before taking a deep breath. “Alright. Wish me luck.”

They watch as Hokuto practically marches forward, interrupting the conversation between Taiga and his classmates. His hand on the small of Taiga’s back, Hokuto whispers something to Taiga’s ear, and they’re soon walking to the balcony of the reception area.

Jesse giggles as he takes Kochi’s hand. “Come on, let’s go watch.”

“Shouldn’t we leave them alone?” Kochi laughs, but he lets himself be dragged along.

“After hearing Hokuto agonize over this for months? I need to find out if everything is worth it.”

They settle outside the doorway of the balcony. Taiga and Hokuto’s backs are turned over to them. They’re probably talking about something, but Kochi can’t make out what.

It then happens, when Hokuto and Taiga face each other. Hokuto gets down on one knee and takes out a small, velvet box, opening it to show a ring. Taiga only says a “What?” before covering his mouth with a hand as tears spring to his eyes.

At least they could hear Hokuto ask, “Taiga, will you marry me?”

“Yes!” Taiga sobs almost immediately, getting down on his knees, cupping Hokuto’s face, and kissing him.

Kochi and Jesse share a look, Jesse’s eyes almost glassy. Kochi chuckles, squeezing Jesse’s hand, though his heart is just as full, happy for the friends who have supported him for so long.

It’s a long time coming for Taiga and Hokuto, and Kochi feels like he shouldn’t be thinking about his own, too. But he can’t help it, anyway, of seeing him spend forever with someone, doing both mundane and exciting stuff together, arguing yet making up …

“What are you thinking about?” Strong arms wrap around him from behind, Jesse kissing the top of his head.

He’s not sure if that forever will be with Jesse, but he might as well do his best to try. He knows Jesse will try his best, too.

Kochi hums, leaning into Jesse. “Just thinking that my days in the apartment are numbered.”

He feels Jesse’s heart skip a beat. “You know …” he starts slowly. “You can always move in with me. Or maybe … we can look for a place? My space is too cramped for two people to share.”

Kochi pulls away and looks Jesse in the eye, hoping he can express how much he appreciates everything, from his patience to his warmth. And even if he doesn’t always gets it right, Kochi appreciates that he tries and asks.

And this … his heart already has the answer.

“Okay,” he says with a nod. “Let’s get our own place.”

Jesse’s eyes widen. “Really?” he asks.

“Really.”

“Really, really? Because if I’m pressuring you, we don’t have to live together right away. You can always get your own place and then—”

Kochi chuckles, pulling Jesse by the nape of their neck so their lips can meet. “Really, really.”

Jesse lets out a deep breath, concern giving way to excitement. “Okay.”

“Hey, you two! You can stop making out now and celebrate with us!”

Kochi laughs, as he turns around to find Taiga and Hokuto walking toward them. Taiga is alternating between looking at Hokuto fondly, arm tight around his, and staring at the ring on his finger. “Congratulations,” he says, pulling away from Jesse to pull Taiga to a hug. “Both of you.”

“Now you’re gonna have to put up with me being insufferable with the wedding preparations.” Taiga beams, and it’s the happiest Kochi has seen his friend. “You’re the best man, of course!”

“I’d be surprised if I wasn’t.”

Taiga pulls away, eyes becoming glassy again. But he clears his throat and returns to Hokuto’s arms once more. “Let’s get out of here. Celebrate somewhere else.”

“Drinks on you?” Jesse teases.

Taiga rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically. “Fine.”

“Alright!” Jesse hoots. He reaches for Kochi, wrapping his arm around his waist. “It’s definitely the time to celebrate.”

Kochi smiles, letting himself bask in the warmth of the occasion, his friends’ happiness, and his own. Despite the cold spring breeze that brushes past him, he’s warm, contended, in the company of his friends and in the arms of Jesse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a short fic, but this blew up. Thank you so much for reading, commenting, kudos-ing! Until the next fic! 💛❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are highly appreciated! Or, you can yell at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/narinarinori) or [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.qa/narinarinori).


End file.
